Throughout our lives we go through many life altering phases. Graduating from college, moving away from home, finding a new career, getting married, having children, these are but a few emotionally challenging times we will face over our lifetime. All of these events are exciting and new experiences and pave new paths into our unknown future. When a person faces divorce however, this new venture has turned from an exciting one into one filled with fear, anxiety and uncertainty.
There are many factors involved in the ending of a relationship. One thing is certain; all individuals involved will be faced with a remarkable change in their lives. Before you can begin to start over after a divorce, you must first cope with the loss of your partnership.
There are a variety of ways that individuals respond to this loss. There are no set of standards and no two people will ever respond to the same loss in the same way. Whether you personally are going through this change or whether you know someone who is, knowing and understanding these stages can help facilitate the healing process.
Denial is often experienced by someone who is on the receiving end of the divorce. Often they will think "this can't be happening to me." Months or even years of arguments, separation, feelings of isolation will all be forgotten during this state of shock as the person tries to ignore what is truly happening.
Anger is almost certain to be experienced by all. New arguments will be started, accusations thrown and, unfortunately, it is during this stage that many seek some sort of financial or material compensation as a type of "payment" for their pain and general feeling of helplessness. It is a natural response to want to lash out at the person who is responsible for your feelings of abandonment. If you were financially dependent on your spouse, of course you should seek some financial help in the beginning but trying to take everything that they own will only put a bandage on what you are feeling and will not help you in the end. If you helping someone else cope with a divorce, it is more important for friends and family to be supportive but not get involved in this stage. Some relationships heal over time and they will remember all of the nasty words you said about their ex.
Guilt is another stage many endure. The "I could have" and "I should have" scenarios run rampant. That somehow they were responsible for the divorce and should have been able to do something to prevent it. It is important to realize that you did nothing wrong. As people get older they change through their experiences. Many times people change and grow closer and sometimes they grow apart. There is no shame or guilt to be had on either party. It is a natural course of life and once understood it is easier to accept.
Depression is common when facing divorce. Often you will cry for no apparent reason, your may lose your appetite or find it increased dramatically. Your sleeping schedule may also be affected and you may find a decrease in energy. It is in the depression stage that friends and family are most helpful. Understand that it is okay to sit on the couch and watch a movie or to crawl into bed and curl into a ball and cry yourself to sleep as long as these periods do not last for too long. For many married couples, friends are joint and when facing the loss of your spouse you are also facing the possible loss of your friends as well. The thought of starting over in a new home or a new relationship can be frightening in itself but to do it alone without the comfort and support of your established friendships is down right terrifying. As a friend, don't take sides. As the divorcee, don't ask them to.
You may experience several other feelings as you go through your divorce but once you recognize what you are feeling and understand that you are not alone, it will be easier for you to accept what is happening. Many find that talking with a counselor or joining a support group is beneficial and if you feel you need more help than what your friends and family can provide then you should join one. Talking about what you are going through is therapeutic and necessary and many times easier done with strangers. If you know someone who is stuck in one phase for too long (especially a state of depression) suggest that they talk to a counselor and seek help from others who have gone through a similar situation. But always let them know that they are not alone.
The best way to start over in any life venture is to not dwell on the past but to look toward the future with a fresh perspective. You are a new person with new ideas and there are new experiences waiting for you just around the corner. Evaluate where your life is currently at and then determine where you want it to be. Were there clubs you wished to join but were afraid to because the time spent at them would hinder the time spent with your spouse? Did you always wish to go back to school yet never found the motivation previously? Have you always wanted to move yet never could because of your spouse's job? There are no limits but what you set for yourself. Yes, it will be scary at first but always remember that you can do it.