by Ulovit

Created on: September 17, 2009

As someone who is a stepchild and a stepparent, I understand both sides of the spectrum. The topic of discipline is one of the touchiest issues any blended family will face. It's hard enough trying to discipline your own children, let alone someone else's. So what is a stepparent to do?

Well, nothing. At least not in the beginning. Before you even consider disciplining your stepchild, you need to make sure that you build a bond with them . This bond needs to be built on genuine caring, and mutual respect. It could take anywhere from months to years. Remember, respect is not given, it is earned. In the mean time, if there is a problem that absolutely must be addressed, you need to bring it up to your spouse and allow them to handle it. This will open up the lines of communication.

Once you have a relationship with your stepchild, the next most important thing to do is to have an open and honest conversation with your mate on the matter. From here expectations can be set. This will take honesty, patience, and compromise. We all have different disciplining mechanisms. But it's important to remember that it's not about what we want. It's about what the biological parent is comfortable with and what is best for the child.

The hardest part comes when you have to put discipline into action. Although most of us would rather not even face this day, when you're in a blended family it is almost impossible not to at some point. So remember what you and your spouse have previously talked about and be consistent. This way you will avoid tensions from arising between you and your mate and the child won't be confused.

Of course, you could take all of this great advice and find that things are still very difficult for you. Perhaps your stepchild prefers to test boundaries often, or you are in a situation where the biological parent finds discipline to be equal to a four letter word. Both situations can ruin a relationship pretty quickly, by the way. In these cases, you may have to revert back to step one and step back.

It is the most beneficial for you to remember your role. You take on a parental role, but you are not the parent. So constantly yelling, criticizing, or pointing out negatives will get you nowhere. Bribing your stepchild is another surefire way to go down the wrong path. Lastly, you should never get physical with the child, especially if it is against the parent's wishes.

The best thing for you to do is to express how you feel to the biological parent, stay calm and respectful, and set an example for all of the children in your home. You should act however it is that you would want them to act in such a situation. It may get frustrating and seem like craziness is afoot, but you are teaching them in a positive way as opposed to adding to the negativity.

Just remember, you are not the first to experience this and you surely will not be the last. But your family can get through this and possibly come out even stronger than ever as long as you keep your cool and continue to keep the lines of communication open.

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