by Merri Sharp

Created on: February 11, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

Friendships, like any relationship, have deal breakers - situations that immediately end a friendship, with little or no hope for reconciliation, (for example: dating an ex, lying, backstabbing, causing intentional embarrassment, and so on). These deal breakers can be different for each person, so it's a good idea to discuss them early into your friendship. This lets you clearly define what behaviour will be tolerated, and what won't. If a friend creates a deal breaking situation, little explanation is needed for ending the friendship. You can just say, "That was my deal breaker, so our friendship is done. And, because you knew how I felt about this issue, the choice to end the friendship was yours."

Sometimes, you are warranted to end a friendship even if no deal breaker situation arose. For instance, your friend may have adhered to your expectations, yet, you find that they are just not pulling their weight in the friendship. They are constantly relying on you for support, demanding your time and energy, yet are seldom there for you. This is what is often referred to as a "toxic" friendship, and it means that your friendship causes more harm than it creates happiness.

If you're in a toxic friendship, my suggestion is to give it the three strikes approach. When you first feel your friend isn't pulling their weight, that's Strike One. Talk to your friend, let them know that you feel they are not supporting you they way you need them to, and what they can do to be more supportive. If your friend continues to take more than they give, that's Strike Two. Have the conversation with them again, and let them know that if the behaviour continues, you will leave the friendship. If after that, it happens again, that's Three Strikes - they're out.

Have a conversation with your friend to let them know that you are walking away from the friendship, and why. You can say, "We talked a couple of times, about a lack of balance in our friendship. I my friends to give as much as they take and, based on the last couple of weeks, I don't think that you're able to do that. So, I think it's best if we let go of this friendship for now." Then thank them for sharing their life with you, for the experiences you had together, and for the lessons you learned from them. Then walk away.

Ending a friendship is hard, but it's important to realize that not all things are meant to last forever. You evolve as person - you change, and your needs change. In friendship, as in all relationships, you either grow together or you grow apart. Take with you the memories that you shared, and the lessons your learned. You walked an important path together, but now those pathes must part. And that's okay - it just means you each have a different destination to get to.

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