by Belinda Beasley

Created on: September 13, 2009   Last Updated: September 15, 2009

"Honor your father and mother" is a phrase that was drummed through my head ever since childhood. As an only child, I took this Biblical commandment quite seriously. Perhaps I took it too seriously at times, because throughout my life, I have often put my own well being in jeopardy in order to make sure that I cared for my parents. When my dad was a nursing home resident a few years ago, I worked very hard to assure his well being, both physically and mentally.

As a result, when he died, I had no regrets and no guilt because I was secure in the knowledge that I had done everything humanly possible for him during his last years on earth. Although I was sad when he passed away, there was also relief and also a very real sense of peace within myself. The Assistant Director of Nursing remarked that the peace that I felt showed on my face.

During the time that my dad was a nursing home resident, my mother was in an assisted living resident in the same building. Although she did not require the same level of care as my dad, she was experiencing some difficult medical issues of her own, which meant I had to find a way to juggle the needs of both parents. She moved out of assisted living a year or so after my dad died and did very well until fairly recently. I am now actively involved in providing care for my mother.

As a caregiver for my elderly mother, I experience many feelings. On some days, I feel frustration, anger, and hopelessness, which results in feelings of guilt. I feel guilty for feeling those very normal feelings. Other days are better and I see a ray of hope that things will return to normal and my mom will once again be able to live indepently without having a caregiver, but the reality is that my mom may need to return to assisted living in order to become healthy and more functional again.

Someone recently told me that he thought taking care of our parents was the right thing to do because they took care of us when we were young and helpless. How many of our parents walked the floors with us when we were colicky babies, or stayed up most of the night worrying about our safety when we were rebellious teens? Shouldn't we be willing to do the same for them when they are in their senior years and need some help?

A few years ago, a leader in a class that I was in brought a book to class and read it to us. It was a children's book, but by the end of the story, every woman in the room was actively weeping. The story details how the mother comforts her child and sings to him every night, and helps him along the way as he grows into adulthood. At some point in the story, the mother grows old and needs help.

One of the most touching and poignant scenes in the book is when the adult son picks up his mother from the rocking chair, carries her upstairs to bed, and sings the same song she had sung to him when he was a child. This particular role reversal eventually happens to those of us who are lucky enough to have parents live well into their golden years. It isn't an easy path for adult children to follow, but it's the right path to take in life.

As our parents age, they will depend on us more and more every day. If we take care of them, we will have much peace and no regrets when they are gone.

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