It seems like when I was straight there were so many gay people. When I believed I was straight, I seemed to see undercover gays everywhere. Being homophobic, I was instantly suspicious of anyone who was a little bit too liberal, a little bit too different even in the most trivial ways. When a girl seemed a little more nerdy, a little more hard-working or reserved, my sensors immediately went off. This erroneous belief that everyone was gay followed me into gaydom, only to be smashed apart by the sobering realization that there really are very few openly gay people. Now that I am gay, it seems like there are so many straight people.
In becoming gay, my eyes were opened. People who I thought were gay, upon second analysis, turned out to be so straight, that it seemed entirely absurd to have ever thought they were gay (or bi) in the first place. The trigger-happy gaydar I carried from straighthood into gayhood now seemed woefully obsolete.
When I become gay I hoped to find others like myself. As a former homophobic straight kid, I hoped to use my trigger-happy gaydar for good. Yet, I realized that my old gaydar was fueled by the internal insecurities and shame of a closeted gay person. When it was fueled by the innocent hopes of a newly gay, it met many false positives and disappointments. This sequence of events left me wondering why there are so few gay people? Where might I find them (outside of the local GSA)?
My now obsolete gaydar seems only useful for the obvious cases, the hair-flipping boys, and the leather-wearing girls. Where's the fun in that? The hunt loses its mystery, its allure. When I became gay I thought there were more gays out there, gays who were subtle, gays who could slip under the radar, gays outside the stereotypes, gays who could 'pass'. Why do I want to find gays who can 'pass', who can fit in to the point of negating their gayness? Because where I hope to tread either had a boatload of closet gays or no gays at all.
In the professional world, the world of clearly defined gender roles, of ties and cuffs links for boys and pant suits and flannel skirts for girls, there seems to be little room for the, how shall I say, militant gay. Of course there are exceptions: Rachel Maddow, Ellen DeGeneres, but ordinarily, the absence of gay isn't because gays aren't wanted; it's because gays just aren't there. Maybe as a homophobic straight I had the paranoia to believe gays were there, or as a newly gay, the hope to believe they were there, but in business, in law, in medicine, they just aren't there. Or at least I haven't found them. Is the 'gay lifestyle' just not conducive to becoming a doctor? Is that why hard working immigrant families discourage their sons and daughters from ever coming out? Are my opportunities suddenly limited by being gay? Are the medical and law fields just too conservative for a bit of gaydickery?
I guess this is just what's been haunting my mind. Where did all the undercover gays go? Why are there so many straight people in medicine? Don't all the gay people in medical school feel left out? Are there even any gay people out there? The future looks bleak. Or maybe I'm just having a gay panic.
Yes, there are gay people, but where are the majority of them working? Maybe more doctors, more politicians, more lawyers have come out, but gays, for the most part, still exist on the fringes of society. As far as jobs, they are either working directly to help the gay community or they are working in jobs their parents wouldn't have wanted for them. What jobs do parents want for their children? Conventional, high-paying jobs of course. And gays because of their lifestyle, or because they are looked down upon because of their lifestyle, are not 'conventional', and are just not visible enough in 'conventional', high-paying fields. I guess my real gay panic, is will I, as a gay person, be able to function in a 'conventional', high-paying field? Will I, as a gay person, even be wanted in a 'conventional', high-paying field?
Perhaps it is these feelings that place gay people where they are in society. Perhaps this is why parents don't want their kids to be gay. Perhaps this is why gays who find themselves in 'conventional' fields, or aspiring to enter such fields feel so alone. It always feels uncomfortable to be the only gay in the room, even if no one else knows it. One always wonders what would happen if all the straight people found out. What would they do? What would they say? Christ, what would they think? Yes, it always feels uncomfortable to be the only gay in the room, especially if everyone else knows it. It feels even more uncomfortable than being the only black person in the room. Why? Because the people in the room can be a whole host of ethnicities and colors, but for most people, there's only gay or straight. And when people see you, and know you are gay, their first thought is who you do or don't have sex with. God help you if you are the only black and gay person in the room.
Perhaps, this is why many minorities, blacks, in particular, are against gaydickery in all its forms. Forget religion, if you are black and gay, you have two strikes against you! If you're a woman, make that three! You can't shoot yourself in the foot any more than being colored and gay. Even in the gay community, they look at you funny if you're black or Asian (Who let you in?). It's like being black and Jewish; most people haven't seen that before and nobody likes a wake-up call (Holy sh*t! A black gay Jew!?). How many gay ads do you see with black people in them? It seems like all the gays are white and if you're a white gay, you have a better chance of being accepted by not only gays but by everybody else. I wonder what people would say if 'being gay' was a 'black thing'?
Color aside, it is very lonely to be a gay in a very straight world. I'm all for gay pride, but we are so few, and we can't just run out and tell people to have gay babies. Many Christians may want to be Jews, but contrary to whichever celebrity comes out next week, not all straights want to be gay. And blacks can pretend to be white, or Asian, but gays who are openly gay can't pretend to be straight. Which brings me to the question of how openly gay is gay? When do you tell everybody? Do you just let the straights and undercover gays guess until they figure it out? Is it just obvious, or does the subject never come up? How many hints do you drop? How much is too much? If you know you are gay and you are in a straight, 'conventional' territory, and no one knows you are gay but you, are you really gay? The tree is falling in the forest guys.
What is straight territory and what is gay territory? There are no limits on where a straight can go, what a straight can be, what a straight can do, but there are obvious restraints on gays. Just watch Bruno. Like blacks, gays are still a stereotype, and anyone who wants out of that stereotype, doesn't want to be gay. That's why I'm upset that I rarely run into undercover gays, gays that surprise me, gays that break the mold, buck the stereotype. All I'm finding is flabbergasted straight people ("Do I look gay to you?").
More importantly I'm upset that the gay stereotype is so stifling and limiting, that more gay people would not want to come out, and be visible enough to show the world that gays can be doctors and lawyers too, not just comedians, actors and politicians. I feel upset for gay doctors and gay lawyers out there, who in breaking through the queer glass ceiling, broke it in secret or in abject loneliness. I'm upset that there are not as many gay people as I previously thought. How many gay people are there on planet Earth? One in ten? One in twenty? This will alarm (straight) people, but I honestly think the frequency of gayness should be more common like one in four (WTF!). I just think most people are too afraid to admit to being gay. Too many 'straight' people out there judging them. The loneliness and rejection is too intimidating. It's a vicious cycle that keeps our numbers small, that keeps our people down. It has to stop.