by Sora Ryu

Created on: September 11, 2009

It seems like when I was straight there were so many gay people. When I believed I was straight, I seemed to see undercover gays everywhere. Being homophobic, I was instantly suspicious of anyone who was a little bit too liberal, a little bit too different even in the most trivial ways. When a girl seemed a little more nerdy, a little more hard-working or reserved, my sensors immediately went off. This erroneous belief that everyone was gay followed me into gaydom, only to be smashed apart by the sobering realization that there really are very few openly gay people. Now that I am gay, it seems like there are so many straight people.

In becoming gay, my eyes were opened. People who I thought were gay, upon second analysis, turned out to be so straight, that it seemed entirely absurd to have ever thought they were gay (or bi) in the first place. The trigger-happy gaydar I carried from straighthood into gayhood now seemed woefully obsolete.

When I become gay I hoped to find others like myself. As a former homophobic straight kid, I hoped to use my trigger-happy gaydar for good. Yet, I realized that my old gaydar was fueled by the internal insecurities and shame of a closeted gay person. When it was fueled by the innocent hopes of a newly gay, it met many false positives and disappointments. This sequence of events left me wondering why there are so few gay people? Where might I find them (outside of the local GSA)?

My now obsolete gaydar seems only useful for the obvious cases, the hair-flipping boys, and the leather-wearing girls. Where's the fun in that? The hunt loses its mystery, its allure. When I became gay I thought there were more gays out there, gays who were subtle, gays who could slip under the radar, gays outside the stereotypes, gays who could 'pass'. Why do I want to find gays who can 'pass', who can fit in to the point of negating their gayness? Because where I hope to tread either had a boatload of closet gays or no gays at all.

In the professional world, the world of clearly defined gender roles, of ties and cuffs links for boys and pant suits and flannel skirts for girls, there seems to be little room for the, how shall I say, militant gay. Of course there are exceptions: Rachel Maddow, Ellen DeGeneres, but ordinarily, the absence of gay isn't because gays aren't wanted; it's because gays just aren't there. Maybe as a homophobic straight I had the paranoia to believe gays were there, or as a newly gay, the hope to believe they were there, but

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