by Billie Staib

Created on: September 10, 2009   Last Updated: September 12, 2009

My husband and I have been married for over seven years and we have never had a fight. Of course we have had disagreements. Occasionally we have had "passionate" talks, but we have never had a fight. Other people notice the benefits of our "peace not war" relationship by listing us as one of the few couples they have ever known that seemed truly in love. How is this possible? It all boils down to one word (said best by Aretha Franklin): Respect.

Based on our respect for one another, here are some of the rules we always follow:

#1 Do not say hurtful things: Yes, those spiteful, ugly thoughts pop up in all of our minds from time to time when a conversation is not going our way, but whatever you do, don't say them to your partner. Whether it be name calling or pointing out personality faults (which we all have), saying something to your partner with the purpose of hurting them is always damaging and always wrong. These are words and wounds you can never erase. These words do not make you feel better and do absolutely nothing to help the situation. I have heard many people say that they can't help themselves. That may be true for thinking these things, but we all have the ability to keep our mouths shut. Even if your partner says something ugly to you, if you refrain from slinging the mud back, you can stop this vicious, harmful cycle.

#2 Do not keep things bottled up: If something is bothering you, you should discuss it with your partner. Do not make it an accusation. Keep it simple and truthful. It was hard for me to break the habit of encrypting these conversations so that I could present my problem without feeling vulnerable, but I have found that straightforward is definitely the way to go. When you try to gift-wrap your problems, the other person often misses the point due to the packaging which leaves you both frustrated. Typically this only makes the problem worse. However, if we try to just ignore the things that bother they tend to grow and fester inside of us until they consume us and make us express them irrationally. Bottled up feelings end up acting like bottle-rockets!

#3 Listen: It's simple. You deserve to have your partner listen and try to understand you when you speak. Your partner deserves no less. Take the time to try to see things from their perspective. Listen for the things that they want to say to you but are having a hard time vocalizing. Be empathetic and really try to think about how you would feel if your roles were reversed. This will

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