by Billie Staib

Created on: September 10, 2009   Last Updated: September 14, 2009

How many times have we heard the phrase "Are you listening to me?" Most of us heard it from our parents. Most of us have heard it from our closest friends. And I would wager that almost all of us have heard it from our significant other.

When we talk to one another, we usually have a goal of making our thoughts or feelings understood by another person. As humans, this is something that we all crave in order to validate ourselves in the larger world. This validation can come in many forms. One person may need another person's approval to feel like their own opinions or actions have value. Another person may need to validate their misdeeds by having another person either offer understanding or forgiveness for their actions. This is why we talk, but why should we listen?

Unless we listen to one another, we are not really communicating. When you speak, if no one is paying attention to what you are saying, you might as well be talking to a wall. We all know this, but we don't always recognize when this is happening in a conversation. For example, if two people are having a debate about an issue that is important to them both, you can often tell that each person is only interested in making their own opinion known. Often they only listen to the other person just enough to fire back a counterpoint to the other person's last statement. Sometimes it is painfully to an outside observer that neither person is listening to the other person at all as each speaker's statements seem to have very little to do with what the other speaker said. To prevent this fragmented phenomenon, we need to be active listeners.

How do we learn to be an active listener? This is a skill that we all already possess. When a small child cries, we all instinctively try to figure out what is wrong. In order to do that, we much be aware of the child and his or her surroundings. We take in the entire situation to try and understand the root of the problem. We then coax the child into helping us understand what is bothering them. This is an act of active listening. We are totally engaged in the act of understanding what the child is trying to convey. To use this skill in normal day to day conversations, simply be aware of what the user is saying and try to hear the things that they are trying to convey but not actually verbalizing.

In our daily communications, most of us have the "talking" side of the conversation nailed down. But what about the flip side of the coin? How many of us truly listen to what the other person in saying? Here is an interesting insight...if we aren't listening, then we are also not getting the full benefit of our own talking. When two people have a conversation in which both participants simply try to get their own statements out, those two people walk away from the conversation having gained very little. However, if at least one person actively listens to the other person, much can be gained by all.

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