by Joyce M. George-Knight

Created on: September 10, 2009   Last Updated: September 11, 2009

Conflicts are bound to occur. It's human nature. Whether due to a difference of opinion, unclear communication, stress, internal response to a situation, exhaustion or any number of other triggers, a conflict often happens when you least expect it. So, then, just how can you argue without fighting?

Couples should set some concise ground rules for arguments. They could include:

Make a clear statement concerning what is angering you. "I hate it when you leave things laying around instead of putting them away."

Look into each other's eyes when you speak. It's more difficult to feel anger when making that eye-to-eye connection.

Remain on the topic at hand. If you are annoyed with sloppiness, don't mention something about how a matter was handled concerning one of your children. Save that for another topic.

Don't hit below the belt. Again, if sloppiness is the issue, don't say, "You're helpless. You never could do anything for yourself." Cruel or exaggerated statements only add unfair fuel to the fire.

Give yourselves a time limit. For example, you'll make statements for your case for 15 minutes then your partner will have 15 minutes to speak.

Allow at least an hour of separate time to think about what's been stated, then come together for resolution.

Determine the specific issue(s) that need resolution and write them down.

List possible solutions for each issue, then narrow them down to the one solution that you both agree on.

Follow-through with the solutions.

Kiss and make up (or whatever).

Now, there are also instances whereby a partner carries home some anger from a non-marital situation.

Let's use the example that a husband returns home from work and begins to yell at his wife for some ridiculous thing, such as the door stuck a little when he pulled it open. The wife is confused and finds it necessary to ask calmly, "What happened today?" It makes the husband stop and think. However, if he remains angry, the wife should continue to ask appropriate questions, such as, "Whose problem is this?" Through the wife's tuning into what is and what is not being stated, she can help her husband determine the origin of the anger, thereby avoiding a misplaced argument with her.

So often, as humans, we find ourselves on the defensive and immediately ready to fight back. It takes conscious thought and effort to avoid these instinctive reactions to what appears to be a threat. Certainly someone who feels loved and secure is in a much better position to react positively to a negative situation.

Communication in marriage is truly a partnership. Generally, the basis for most disagreements can be found in something totally unrelated to the topic being argued. As long as the calm partner can guide the discussion with love and concern, the angered partner will come to terms with what is bothering him or her, thereby having an ability to resolve it.

Never forget to do the make-up after every disagreement, no matter how small. It's the best part of all.

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