by Phyllis Grimes

Created on: September 09, 2009

Every individual enters into a relationship and marriage with certain ideas and expectations about what a good partner is and what a successful relationship should be like. These preconceived notions can come from our families of origin, past relationships, spiritual belief systems, temperament, and culture. When one person fails to meet the other's expectations, it leads to disappointment and unfulfillment. The problem can be that your partner may have drastically different ideas and expectations about what brings satisfaction in a marriage, so communication is necessary because people cannot read minds or just sense what expectations their partners hold.

Not only do people have ideas about what makes a good partner, they have expectations about how emotions are expressed, the way disagreements should be handled, how finances and stressors should be managed, how often sex should occur, how household and parenting tasks should be divided, how in-laws are dealt with, among other conceptions about what will make the relationship complete.

A person often feels attracted to another person and then rushes into a relationship only to learn that the other person is not meeting his or her needs as expected. For example, a woman may have grown up with parents that shared the household chores, went for long walks together, but also had time engaging in hobbies with friends. This person may then carry the belief that a good husband is one who likes to sit and cuddle every evening, offers to cook dinner at least three times weekly, or clean up the house without her having to ask while she has time out with her friends. Meanwhile, the husband may have been raised in an old-fashioned household where his mother did all of the cooking and cleaning, and he really is not accustomed to physical affection and cannot understand why his wife is slamming the cabinets doors with such force as she cooks dinner.

The woman in this example knew that her parents sometimes argued, but it was always behind closed doors. No one shouted or broke anything, and they would continue to show each other respect even if they did not agree with each other. On the other hand, the man was used to his father yelling and punching walls before storming out of the house for the rest of the day and into the middle of the night. So, when an issue arises now, the wife may want to sit and talk with her partner believing that problems can be discussed calmly, but she is hurt and disappointed when her husband gets extremely angry and clams up, refusing to talk.

Then, the first baby arrives and the wife believes that a good father is one that voluntarily wakes up in the middle of the night and changes messy diapers, but she never is able to communicate her expectations and needs, so she is exhausted and believes that her partner is a failure as a husband and father. Her husband may truly want to stay together and does not see why his wife appears to be so unhappy when he works hard every day which allows her to stay home with their child and every luxury is theirs to enjoy.

When people do not communicate their expectations to their spouses, it leads to heartache and disillusionment which can then lead to extramarital affairs and divorce. With communication, expectations can be recognized, discussed and negotiated, and often people are willing to compromise and take action so that they can remain together, but how can a person know if he or she is disappointing the other without communication? So, talk early and often!

Learn more about this author, Phyllis Grimes.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.