by Nickoel Haskins

Created on: September 09, 2009   Last Updated: September 11, 2009

This is a very sensitive subject for me on more then one plain here. I have been a step-child. Actually I was the red-headed step-child that people always seem to refer to. I was the oldest daughter of a wonderful father that lost his wife, my mother, at a young age. Unfortunately, my sister and I were subject to a women that fit into the wicked step-mother persona, but she was all we had and she came to be called "mom". As an adult she no longer maintains this title. Although, she does refer to my sister and myself as her daughters. Perhaps if she had treated us as her own children our feelings would be different.

My experiences as a step-child taught me some very valuable lessons and prepared me for my life, as it is now. I found myself a single mother of two that was madly in love with a man whom was the single father of two. He was not only the first man that I've ever been involved with that had children, he was the only man other then my father that I knew whom was totally responsible for his children, he has sole custody just as I do. I learned from my childhood the importance of being able to love his children as if they were my own, which I actually found very easy. I found myself in love with his children as much as I was with my own.

So here we are married and I'm now the full-time mother of four. My two step-children do see their mother now, although she has not always been very interested in their lives. My step-daughter and I had a conversation about what she should call me. My response to this question was that she should call me what ever made her comfortable. Perhaps some disagree with this response, but I feel that is was the correct direction. My step-children have been through more then they should have so far in their life. As is the same for all children of divorce. I personal feel that a step parent being called mom/dad or step-mom/dad should be entirely left up to the child, and I respond to what ever she calls me. My step-son on the other hand always calls me by my first name and that is perfectly fine, were my step-daughter calls m both. But here is another question. What are we to call our step-children? How does it make them feel to be called "my step-daughter"? I refer to my "step-children" as my children. I have four children. But of course, my husband and i are the primary care takers of our children.

My sons are also in a split on how they refer to my husband. Unfortunately they have a father that has little interest in their lives and visits with them even less. My oldest son calls my new husband "dad", and has since the day we got married. Where as my younger son refers to my husband by his first name.

In our family we have left it up to the children to call us what makes them feel comfortable, and we do not react any differently regardless of if it is Nikki today and Mom tomorrow. I feel that is the healthiest method of dealing with this issue. Children of divorce have has no control over anything that has happened to them, and here is one thing they get to have control over. But, on the flip side of this coin is the strength of a "birth" parent to not get upset by the situation. This can be an issue, but we are adults and should be able to handle our emotions enough to let it be if our child calls a step-parent mom or dad.

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