by 1PD1

Created on: September 07, 2009   Last Updated: September 08, 2009

Sadness; why am I so sad?

Why does sadness consume me? I know why, but it seems that no solution is ever possible. Too much damage it seems has already been perpetrated upon my life, upon my soul. Reconciliation was on the horizon at one time and seemed like a reality. But an illness was in the picture; your mental illness combined with new realities and your need for self discovery; destroyed our family unit, and destroyed my life as I knew it to be. Our relationship was snuffed out, now I look at our past and I think of the good times we shared together. I always tried to tell you the truth, but you never gave me a chance to explain what I experienced while you were away. I apologized to you many times for any lapse in judgment I may have experienced. During your travels around the country and the multitude of shared experiences you had without me, I eventual found out all that you did, and the hurt you caused to so many others. In many ways I felt that I understood your pain and confusion. I forgave you, you forgave me; we accepted each other back into our respected lives. From my point of view you came back a very changed man, a lot of damage with an unforgiving spirit. During that short period of your return and out short lived reconciliation you hurt me incredibly and destroyed our relationships with friends and family. Our relationship meant so much to me; we were a family unit and had a rich life together. Success was ours; I loved you so, such that I placed you on pedestal. I realize now that may have been my mistake.

I still to this day have no idea, except for educated guesses and made up ideas what consumed you when you vanished from my life for the third time on April 2nd. I am worried and concerned about you everyday. I know you are Resilient and a survivor. I know you are Oppositional when manic you do not listen to the voice of logic and reason. I know you the Beauty within your soul. I lived with you for two of the best years of my life, and two of the worst years of my life.

I know you are Brilliant, clever, confident, determine with respect to all you set out to do. I do not think you set out to destroy our personal relationship and that which we shared with others. You left all of us with so many unanswered questions, so many hurt feelings, and so many unexplained actions. Within me there are so many whys and so many how comes. Today is one day of many that I am still over whelmed with sadness. I do not understand why you vanished again.

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