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Underwear humor, I can write about that; I put it off for a month or so because why humiliate myself? After reading some of my other articles I realized that it's too late and I have humiliated myself several times already; so here goes. I am not young or thin so I have no fancy pants in my underwear drawer and the bras have gone from padded push-ups to a type of sleeping bra that will not bind, but still cover the necessities. Comfort is a big deal these days as my body is no longer attractive in underwear and I have long given up and settled for cotton, size 75-Z (actually 11). I just need something to cover me in case my slacks split when I bend over now days.

I ventured into my underwear drawer last week just to check on the state of my current menagerie. I found one pair of stretchy nylon that no longer fit, one pair that was totally ripped to shreds, and six pair that the waist elastic was only connected at the back part of the undies. At my age I might be in danger of going to the ER at any minute, I need to go shopping so that my bum will be presentable. Can you imagine the terror on the faces of the ER, "Doesn't this woman wear underwear? Oh, what is this shredded material around one leg? She must have had the stroke while she was dressing herself. Poor thing, if my body looked like that I would have a stroke too."

Off to K-Mart to the lingerie department I go; I need some help here, I really don't think my bottom would do Dora the Explorer justice. "Ma'am, ma'am, you are in the toddler department, the women's department is over there," she points, and then nearly chokes trying not to laugh. Now I know why I have not been to K-mart in over a year. OK, here are the women's underwear, I am aghast at the styles; maybe I can stretch the Dora ones to fit, probably not. I am beginning to panic until I finally see actual women's sizes hanging in packets on the wall. Let's see, size 11 with a choice of high cut legs or regular legs; cotton or nylon, stretch or not. There are just too many decisions to make here, where are the one-size fits all section? "One-size fits all is only found in socks ma'am, not underpants." So says the Twiggy little girl as she runs off choking again. I yell after her, "I hope you have clean underwear because if you keep this up, I will put you in the emergency room myself!"

The manager came over and asked me if I was having a problem, I said, "I am pretty frustrated with your little Twiggy clerk there, she needs to learn some respect for her elders." "Even so, ma'am," she replied, "you cannot threaten to put our clerks in the ER, I am afraid you will have to leave." She escorted me to the door after ripping the underwear package out of my clutching fists. I am humiliated, but not humiliated enough to leave without new panties. I started begging her to let me buy at least one package; this caused a scene and required another manager's help to push me out the door. Well, maybe I will drive to Wal-Mart although they may not let me in from the last time I tried to shop. I guess I will just go home and order some through a mail-order catalog.

Learn more about this author, Margaret Radisich Sleasman.
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