by Shen-Li Lee

Created on: September 07, 2009

The feeling comes and goes...

Some days it is so intense, it threatens to engulf me.

Other days, it is barely the whisper of a distant memory.

Night and day, I go through the ever inconstant yo-yo of life,

Swinging between the highs and the lows,

Never knowing when the next peak or trough,

Will throw me into the realm of extremes again.

This is the paradox of life that I encouraged,

I made myself too strong, too independent, too willful.

I squelched the natural instincts of a young woman,

Who sought comfort and security in the arms of a man,

To become what I now am:

Powerful and assured - a woman in control of her fate,

A woman intolerant, uncompromising and stubborn, no less.

I am the formidable fortress -

Cool and aloof, strong and impenetrable.

Nothing enters the walls of my keep.

Untouchable, I face the world without emotion.

I stand esoteric and impassive upon my hill,

Looking out at the world,

Just observing but never a part of it.

I fear the same as all rulers -

The fear of losing control over my kingdom.

Fleeting moments when shadows of apprehension break my resolve,

Destructive thoughts that undermine the safety of my kingdom.

It is the vulnerability of the child within,

That threatens the foundations of my stronghold.

She makes my walls as fragile as porcelain,

My city becomes defenseless,

From the siege engines of life and the world I exist in.

I wish I could surrender my power,

Allow myself to believe in something greater.

I wish I could abdicate my throne and become a part of this world,

To be able to feel alive within it,

Enjoy whatever richness I know it to hold.

Alas, it is too late for me.

I cannot conform,

What once was malleable has been work-hardened beyond elasticity,

To change would be to break,

To survive would mean to remain as I am -

A ghost in this world.

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