by Jason Parrish

Created on: September 06, 2009

My co-worker, Dan, was excited about his band's newest CD called 'Untitled Track #1' which consists of long stretches of silence interspersed with random background noise. Dan is a gifted musician of sorts and although his CD is nothing short of genius, it's not selling as well as he'd expected. I told him new genres in art take take to develop and some, well, take very long to develop. But Dan has hope. . .lots of hope and little change.

"Lunch is on me," I said

He smiled and said, "Thanks." And explained how he has converted his bathroom into a small aquaculture facility to make ends meet. He grows bluegill and trout for food and toothpicks.

"The bluegill live in the tub and the trout live in the commode," he said.

"Why don't you just put both in the tub?" I asked.

"Trout and bluegill fight a lot in the wild. Don't want no piscine war going on in there you know. Fighting inhibits growth."

"I see," and made a mental note to talk to the supervisor about having better background checks on future employees. (I work in a chemistry lab, by the way. Think lots of mixing chemicals, titrating acids, and dangerous fumes.)

"Where do you bathe?"

"I take sponge baths. Shampoo is too toxic on your skin's natural oils-makes you age quicker by hydrolyzing skin proteins. It also has excellent anti-microbial qualities."

They say knowledge is power, and too much knowledge is dangerous. What they don't say is too much knowledge is powerfully confusing and leads to many stinking situations.

Dan continued, "Did you know in the Middle Ages people had a distinct odor? They did. It helped keep communities together and let the townspeople know when there were strange people in town."

"People in the Middle Ages also used moss for toilet paper. Have you seen what lives in moss under a microscope?"

"Nope."

"I have. Life in the Middle Ages was scary."

"How about the shaggy beard?" I continued.

"Functional Bohemian Art. It's part of my starving artist worldview and a key tenet to my Post-Modern Pragmatic Utilitarian beliefs. Very useful in the recession."

"Sounds like a cult. Say-you're not taking any drugs are you?"

"Nope. I don't take drugs. Drugs mess you're mind and confuse reality. Until you're old, when it doesn't matter anymore cause you're close to the end and ready to leave the cocoon and fly like a butterfly with the angels."

"Maybe you should."

I don't think Dan has many friends.

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