by Brian Keith Compton

Created on: September 06, 2009   Last Updated: September 09, 2009

The school has called and your child is in the office for picking on other kids. You might be in denial. "My child would never do that." But are you sure? What should you do if your child turns out to be a bully?

It's possible your little darling has developed a mean side away from home. Perhaps, he or she is modeling your own behavior. It's hard to understand where this comes from.

What a bully expresses is not likely out of hate or anger, but contempt for others. This is something they might have picked up from you. How a parent or guardian behaves in public gives the child an indicator of accepted behavior. It validates how they can deal with their peers.

For instance, are you short or abusive with wait staff at the restaurant? Are you constantly putting down your spouse, relative, friend or neighbor in the presence of your kid? How do you speak about others behind their back? Our contempt for others may be transposed onto our children in this way.

They pick up on mean or vulgar language and experiment in their own social settings. It might be just a joke in poor taste, either sexist or racist in nature, that could get your kid in a peck of trouble.

Parents are role models and the 'do as I say and not as I do' message will fail. But if kids aren't taking a cue from you, where else can they model their bully behavior?

Does your child watch an inordinate amount of television? A parent must monitor and restrict this privilege to ensure they are viewing family-oriented programming. Don't use the TV as a babysitter and leave the room. If you can't trust them with the remote control, use those settings to filter out mature content.

Video games are a concern. Parents should know what games are appropriate and avoid violence. This could be a problem when they play away from home. Communicate with other parents about what is appropriate. If your child still overindulges, at least sit down to explain the violence. Impressionable minds should be instilled with values. We must insist they never hit or hurt another in any way.

A bully might just be lacking in the social graces. If they don't fit in or know how to make friends, they may lash out. Bullies are likely to have leadership skills that can help them cope. Teach them positive ways to use these skills in social settings. Introduce them to organized activities at school or church, in the community, or with sports.

When all else fails, help a potential bully get out those frustrations. They need structured physical activities. If not sports, perhaps family functions outdoors. More time bonding is what's needed. Get them in the garden, helping with home improvement projects or chores. If it's fun they need, there's swimming in the summer or skiing, skating or sledding in winter.

Above all else, be sure your child understands the consequences of their actions. Know that they will follow your lead, if you just set a good example. Talk to them and let your child know you will listen and understand when they feel the need to act out.

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