by Kathy Deutsch

Created on: September 04, 2009   Last Updated: April 08, 2010

Deception undermines friendships, family relations, and business acquaintances. A lie has a ripple effect, hurting not just the person lied to, but everyone surrounding the liar. Though it is not easy to tell the truth, ultimately honesty is less trouble than lying.  Being able to recognize when someone is lying is an important skill.

If the person is an acquaintance or a stranger, it is common sense to doubt what they might say.   In casual conversations with people I barely know, I assume they are telling me the truth as they see it. It might not be strictly truthful, but it might serve the story they are telling to stretch the facts. I don't concern myself with honesty in these situations; I take them with a "grain of salt". 

When I am in a business transaction, questioning a salesperson's words makes the most sense.  I listen and watch the salesperson. Do they seem overly sincere? Do they lean forward as if to emphasize their points? Are they trying to make eye contact? After I check their attitude, I think about that they have said. I ask myself one question, "Could this really be true?" I listen to my gut. 

Questioning the honesty of a close friend or relative is stressful. I want to believe I am not lied to by those closest to me. But there are tell-tale signs that someone is not being truthful. The liar has an elaborate story about their lie. Or they will take the opposite lead, and state the lie flatly. When I question it, they challenge me, "You calling me a liar?" They refuse to answer questions about the lie, because they feel it is an affront. The deceptive person might take a defensive stance, or turn and walk away abruptly. Their body-language says they are not at ease.

The scariest lie is when the person is lying and does not know it. They firmly believe the story they are weaving, while fully knowing it is not true. Whether to protect themselves or to deflect trouble to another person, this liar is exhausting to be around. Every statement must be examined for truth. Every conversation must be replayed to decide what is real. The only way to deal with this type of liar is to doubt every thing they say. They can be counted on for nothing.

There are many different ways to tell if someone is lying. Before evaluating the person, you have to consider their relationship to you. Past dealings with the person will tell if the person has the capacity to be honest. Finally, the person's physical stance and the way they say their words are clues to their honesty. It is important, in the end, to ask yourself, "Can this be true?" Going with your instincts is the best way to know if someone is lying.

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