by Natalie OConnell

Created on: September 04, 2009

Anxiety, what can I say? You have tortured me and put me through an unbelievable nightmare. It's been almost three years since you dug your claws into me and I still haven't managed to completely break free.

Do you remember what triggered you? Moving back home to Nova Scotia from Calgary. Since then, for more than two years, you caused me three anxiety attacks a day. And that was the minimum. You didn't make me afraid of going places but you did make me incredibly afraid of losing the man that I love more than anything. There is absolutely nothing more terrifying than that. I have never felt such fear in my life.

It was physically and mentally exhausting to fight you day in and day out. You never gave me a break, not ever. It was a vicious, never ending cycle. No matter how much I fought, you didn't stop and I was at the end of my rope. I felt like such a failure. The fear was growing worse each day and I felt like I was drowning in it.

I tried everything. I went to therapists, I tried self help anxiety books and tips, I tried medication and nothing worked. My life was falling apart and I was ready to give up. I just couldn't fight you anymore.

In the end, I tried one more thing. I went to a different doctor. He prescribed me an anxiety pill. I decided to try it but I really didn't think it was going to make you go away. Pills, to me, is just a temporary solution. But I was desperate and I figured if you just went away for a little while it would be worth it. And it was. I took the medication for five months until I couldn't afford it anymore. It was a miracle. You weren't even a quarter as strong as you were before. It was such a relief. I can't begin to desribe how wonderful it felt to not be afraid all the time.

And then I went cold turkey. No more pills. The timing was right. It just felt right to chuck away the pills and fight you one step at a time. And that's what I did. It was a rough go at first but you were losing momentum. I wasn't going to allow you to make me afraid anymore. I fought you harder than I have ever fought anyone or anything in my entire life. I was going to win this time.

And I did win. Not one hundred percent but close. Sometimes I still feel you in the pit of my stomach and I can feel you fill me up with fear and sometimes you feel so strong but I won't give in. I won't be afraid anymore. I'll fight you every time you are near with the help and encouragement of my fiance, deep breaths and distracting myself every time I feel you getting closer. I will do whatever it takes to keep you at bay.

You've lost, anxiety. You can't control me anymore.

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