Satire: Southern Education 101
Ah, yes, the Southern Education. Where does it begin? In the womb, of course. Being Southern is genetic. You get it from your parents, who got it from their parents, who... well, you know.
Roots are very important in the South and genealogy is a favorite pastime. Most of us have climbed our family tree only to find a Yankee or two hiding in there. EGADS! But never fear, the Southern genes conquer and prevail every time and those Yankees are converted and, thereby, saved. So, no matter where we roam, or how displaced we may become from our motherland, we and our progeny are always Southern. As we are fond of saying, "We are American by birth and Southern by the grace of God."
The Southern primer is a little book called, the Southern Code of Conduct. It is a complete and comprehensive guide to all conduct, morals, standards, ethics, principles, and mores. One section is the complete text of the King James Version of the Holy Bible and one section is the complete text of the Fine Art of Pugilism. Now these latter two may seem to be in contradiction, but as my grandfather taught me: "The Bible says to turn the other cheek; once that's done, lead with your left!" You gotta love this book - all forty-lebum thousand pages of it!
Here are a few of the highlights: (If you travel onto Southern Soil, these tips could be of great value to your sanity!)
Re: Grammar:
When a word ends in 'ing', the 'g' is always silent.
'You' is singular. 'Ya'll' is plural.
Never use two or three words when you can contract down to one (example: should not have = shouldn't'of ).
Shorten long words wherever possible (example: Miss-i-ssip-pi = Miz-sippi). It is just too hot for all that enunciating!
Re: General Courtesy:
Smile and say, 'hello' to absolutely everybody. If you should accidentally slight your great aunt's best friend's daughter's second child's third cousin thrice removed just because you have not seen her in twenty years, you will not be forgiven!
If someone comes up to you and calls you by name and says hello; and you would swear on a stack of Bibles that you have never before seen this person in your entire life, you should: Smile with enthusiasm and ask how he/she is doing - and pray that you get a clue! If you don't get a clue, NEVER admit it.
If you go to someone's house, unannounced and uninvited, stay in your car and honk until someone comes out.
The people who live in a town have the right to pronounce that town's name any way they want to - no matter how it is spelled - and you must follow suit. (It may be spelled, 'Bi-LOX-I", but it is 'Buh-LUX-eee'. [Please mention this to every Television and Movie producer that you know!] My favorite is in TN. The road sign clearly says "Hoenwald", but the neighbors in Alabama call it Hole-in-the-wall, TN).
Re: The Spiritual:
God and Jesus are the Father and Son spiritual leaders and best friends that live just down the road. At any time of the day or night you can call Them up or drop in on Them for a heart to heart chat. Everyone is welcome anytime. If They are not home, look for Them sitting under an Oak tree or lounging at the nearest fishing hole.
Go to church at least once during the week and twice on Sunday.
On Easter Sunday you will wear a new spring outfit in a pastel color with open toed shoes. Yes, even if it is 50 degrees outside at high noon and a cold wind is gusting. On Easter Sunday, every member of your household will rise at 3:30 am, dress in the spring outfit outlined above, leave home before dawn, drive out into the middle of nowhere to some cow pasture, fumble through the darkness wading the dew-drenched, ankle deep clover to a dew covered folding chair where you will sit quietly while the dew creeps up your legs through your socks or stockings and slips into your underwear and back through the damp chair while waiting for the first rays of morning light to break the horizon. You will sing with vigor the Easter songs and listen intently to the preacher at this Sunrise Easter Service. You will then reverse your steps through the wet clover and get into your car and drive hurriedly to the town park for the multi-denominational, 8 am early morning service. You will hurry from there to your own church so that you can participate in a respectful, if soggy, Easter celebration. Do not shame yourself by even thinking of wearing a sweater!
Re: Food:
Butter, Sugar, Bacon drippings, Fried, and Dessert are the five basic food groups.
If you can't fry, you can't be Southern.
Dinner is at noon and Supper is at night.
'Tea' is dark colored, heavily sugared water. It is served cold, over lots of ice. 'SweeTea' and 'iceTea' are each one word. However, both are redundant.
If a person, or a loved one of a person, that you have ever met even once or twice, dies, you must cook food and take it to the person's house. Look carefully at all the food to make sure all five food groups are represented and there is plenty of sweetea and ice. If not, call some friends immediately to fix it!
Always be prepared with goodies or snacks. If anyone comes to your door, and you invite them inside, you must offer them food and drink.
Re: General Rules:
Never, ever, ever, wear white shoes, slacks, or dresses after Labor Day or before Easter. The wearing of these items in pastels will brand you and get you talked about behind your back. Some may even shun you. Yes, even if it is still 90 degrees in the shade!
Big hair is a Southern woman's duty.
Dogs - especially hunting dogs - are part of the family. If Mom and the kids can't get along with the dogs, then Dad is going to miss Mom and the kids a lot when they have to go.
Every man must have a pickup truck - with a gun rack - with guns.
Football is a religion.
"Wrasslin" (ie: Wrestling) is real! The consensus is still pending on the trip to the moon.
Well, that isn't even the tip of the iceberg, but it's a start. I'll leave you with these last two rules:
Recognize and revere the names of Hank Williams, Sr. and Patsy Cline.
Elvis wasn't fat! He was just retaining a little bit of water.
Ya'll Come!