by Elaine Parrish

Created on: September 04, 2009   Last Updated: September 05, 2009

Satire: Southern Education 101

Ah, yes, the Southern Education. Where does it begin? In the womb, of course. Being Southern is genetic. You get it from your parents, who got it from their parents, who... well, you know.

Roots are very important in the South and genealogy is a favorite pastime. Most of us have climbed our family tree only to find a Yankee or two hiding in there. EGADS! But never fear, the Southern genes conquer and prevail every time and those Yankees are converted and, thereby, saved. So, no matter where we roam, or how displaced we may become from our motherland, we and our progeny are always Southern. As we are fond of saying, "We are American by birth and Southern by the grace of God."

The Southern primer is a little book called, the Southern Code of Conduct. It is a complete and comprehensive guide to all conduct, morals, standards, ethics, principles, and mores. One section is the complete text of the King James Version of the Holy Bible and one section is the complete text of the Fine Art of Pugilism. Now these latter two may seem to be in contradiction, but as my grandfather taught me: "The Bible says to turn the other cheek; once that's done, lead with your left!" You gotta love this book - all forty-lebum thousand pages of it!

Here are a few of the highlights: (If you travel onto Southern Soil, these tips could be of great value to your sanity!)

Re: Grammar:

When a word ends in 'ing', the 'g' is always silent.

'You' is singular. 'Ya'll' is plural.

Never use two or three words when you can contract down to one (example: should not have = shouldn't'of ).

Shorten long words wherever possible (example: Miss-i-ssip-pi = Miz-sippi). It is just too hot for all that enunciating!

Re: General Courtesy:

Smile and say, 'hello' to absolutely everybody. If you should accidentally slight your great aunt's best friend's daughter's second child's third cousin thrice removed just because you have not seen her in twenty years, you will not be forgiven!

If someone comes up to you and calls you by name and says hello; and you would swear on a stack of Bibles that you have never before seen this person in your entire life, you should: Smile with enthusiasm and ask how he/she is doing - and pray that you get a clue! If you don't get a clue, NEVER admit it.

If you go to someone's house, unannounced and uninvited, stay in your car and honk until someone comes out.

The people who live in a town have the right to pronounce that town's name any way they want

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