by Ruthie Lancaster

Created on: September 04, 2009

Home Town Security

I wanted desperately to be a part of Homeland Security, but there was no organization in Washington D.C. that seemed to have a use for a patriotic 64 year old grandmother...at least that is what they all told me after they controlled their laughter. Therefore, I devised my own plan to root out covert nests of terrorism that were possibly covertly breeding in my sweet little home town based on an informative email I had received from a friend...a patriotic friend. Having learned from the email that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked or to use alcohol, I decided to walk out of my house as naked as the day I was born and circle my block to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Just to intensify this crucial test, I decided to carry a six-pack of beer. I knew macho American patriots have no problem with ogling nude women other than their wives and certainly no problem about the beer unlike the people I was determined to expose. In perfect confidence, I opened my door and strode out into my neighborhood. That is when I learned the ugly and frightening truth about the people I had thought of as my neighbors.

All over the apartment complex, men were jumping from their lawn chairs...screaming and covering their eyes. They crawled under their cars and behind bushes...anyplace that would cover me from their sight. One man seemed desperate to continue the charade and to hide what he really was. He rushed at me and wrestled the six-pack of beer from my grasp. Before he ran away, he screamed something that probably translated into "INFIDEL DOG!" in his native tongue, yet it sounded strangely like "OMIGAWD. I'VE BEEN STRUCK BLIND!"

In horror I raced back to my apartment and locked myself in. My heart pounding and my hand trembling, I reached for the phone. Still trembling, I will wait here until my call to the White House goes through. How exciting it is going to be to become a national hero. Just wait until those little ageist punks in the FBI, CIA and HS finds out I uprooted a complete neighborhood of terrorists AFTER they said they didn't need me! The President will probably insist on giving me a medal personally...and as soon as he passes the "Terrorist Test" I plan to put my clothes back on so he has a place to pin it on me.

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