by Jerry Williams

Created on: September 03, 2009

Lord love us all. The 44th Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon is set to hit the airwaves this weekend. A Labor Day tradition and a worthy cause, but how much would the Muscular Dystrophy Association take to NOT show it this year? I'm in for twenty.

Okay, maybe I'm being harsh. I've always felt that the show doesn't offer me anything - - beyond watching the final moments to see if Jerry Lewis cries through the closing number. I've done some research, though, that convinces me to give the telethon one more chance.

I skipped around some websites until I found a list of every performer who has ever appeared on the show. I've been missing quite a lot with my snarky attitude. Below I've compiled a list of acts that, by name alone, I kick myself for not seeing. I also include descriptions for the intellectually curious.

* The All Night Strut!

A psuedo-swing group. One site called them A classy, sassy musical celebration of the 1930s and '40s. I once got slapped for being sassy in class.

* The Baldknobbers!

A poor-man's Hee Haw troupe and Branson, Mo. fixtures. I wish I could enter a worm-hole, go back in time, and prevent myself from looking at their website.

* Big Bad Voodoo Daddy!

A contemporary swing band. Not a guy who sacrifices chickens. Boo.

* The Cactus Cuties!

Little girls who sing patriotic songs. You know, jingoistic Cabbage Patch dolls.

* The Chinese Disabled People's Performing Art Troupe!

The name pretty much says it all. They've been doing the best they can since 1987.

* Clamma Dale!

An operatic soprano. Currently estranged from her sister Oysta.

* The Dittydoodle Works!

Rag doll twins who have their own TV show. I'm surprised my research didn't take me to an adult site.

* The Drowsy Chaperone!

A one-act spoof of old musicals. Old musicals deserve it.

* Eleven Penny Life!

A Ska/Rock group. Found their name under a couch cushion.

* Gimme 5!

A Soul/Funk/R&B group. The name Jackson 5 was already taken.

* Boney James!

An urban jazz saxophonist. As opposed to the millions of rural saxophonists.

* Limpopo!

A polka band from California - - the hot-bed of emerging polka trends.

* The Marauding Miners!

The self-described International Ambassadors of Physical Comedy." Renamed themselves the Quiddlers, as if that helps.

* Mayf Nutter!

A Country/Rockabilly/Christian singer. Prayer comes easy when your name is Mayf.

* Papa Doo Run Run!

A California surf band; also a great name for an older Kenyan.

* The Singing Sons of Beaches!

One site described this group as a dang handsome trio of Montana men" who provide smooth harmonies and appropriate comedy. They only allow appropriate comedy on Montana beaches.

* The Trailer Park Troubadours!

A musical comedy act. The singing is funny because they're all missing teeth.

* XuXa!

A wildly famous singer - - in Brazil. Her lilting Portuguese stylings are the pinnacle of soothing gibberish here in the States.

And who's scheduled to return this year? The Cactus Cuties! No way I'll miss them again. I'll sit up all night with my flag if I have to.

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