by Asha Oshun'Mali

Created on: September 03, 2009   Last Updated: September 05, 2009

There was a time when I did not trust people. I have to say, no one in my home environment did either. I was taught to watch what I said; who I chose to befriend; and more importantly, who I chose to spend time alone with.

At ten, I had a nervous breakdown. For weeks, I went through a body shaking period of intense fear. I was paranoid about everything and everyone. Everybody I met was a "usual suspect". The irony was that I had also been taught that God, the one being who had created everything, did not trust me. I was not quite sure what I had done wrong, but I was acutely aware, because I heard it several times a day, that I was "born a sinner".

As I grew older, the strain of always being "punished" and always having to "watch out" for evil doers was just too much to bear. I had very few friends and I was tired of always feeling alone and scared. The quest to belong led me to consider my attitude towards trust.

What were the qualities that made a person trust worthy? And if God was always watching us-waiting for us to show we were untrustworthy, then how was it possible to trust anyone, even ones self?

What I have learned over time is that trust has nothing to do with people outside of ourselves. Trusting one's own inner intuition is tantamount to having successful relationships with others. Added to this, developing a different relationship with God also helped me to build a greater sense of trust. I stopped viewing God as a being who could not trust me and started realizing that God only wanted the best for me at all times.

It has not been an easy process undoing all those years of distrust. But, it has been rewarding. By tapping into my own internal guide and believing in my own process, I know when someone is the best fit for my kind of personality and when they are not. I also know what choices are the best for my personal path, and which opportunities will bring me the greatest personal reward.

Life has become a much better journey since I found beauty in trusting myself. Everyday, I wake up, I know two things for sure-God and I love each other immensely: and the beauty of love can only exist where there is trust.

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