by Erik Buckman

Created on: September 03, 2009

Imagine being pelted with flash bombs for two-and-a-half hours. Blinded, bloodied and potentially frightened, you'll attempt to open your eyes. Oh there's Megan Fox. You feel somewhat better, amongst other things, until she opens her mouth and tries to have a conversation with another sentient being and, oddly, you wish you were being punished by more seizure inducing effects. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen isn't just the must-see summer event. It's a testimony to where blockbuster filmmaking has gone: bloated, boring, with nary a single saving grace, director Michael Bay's latest love note to summer is one hot mess.

Criminally, Transformers 2 can not even be derided for the path that Bay has laid out for it because it lifts so much from past films from better directors. Taking key aspects from canonized Fanboy films such as Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Gremlins and Indiana Jones, Transformers fans should feel nostalgia for the 1986 animated feature film. At least then audiences knew what was unfolding on-screen. With a shameful disregard towards its final product, Bay and company have little more to present moviegoers than truckloads of explosive materials, Megan Fox looking sexy for the camera (how she kept her lipstick perfect while running from evil robots in the middle of a desert is beyond me) and the embarrassing comedy duo of Mudflap and Skids. Summer movies should be fun but not mindless and they should certainly not expect patrons to "check their brain at the door." One can have all the BOOM, hotness and amazing special effects they want but if the story is a mind-numbing waste of time, then the movie is an epic fail. Exhibit A: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Bay is hoping that you won't notice that in the void left by solid screenwriting, viewers just have Fox running in slow-motion and strutting around in jean cut-offs which look as natural as a Playmate during a photo-shoot.

Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is off to college but before he bids his girlfriend (Fox) adieu, he comes in contact with a shard of the All Spark, the mysterious stone from 2007's Transformers which bring mechanical devices to life. The rock inserts all of its secrets into Sam's mind, forcing the mild-mannered kid to have episodes of psychosis during class along with writing wacky symbols all over walls. He can also scribble out the symbols with cake icing with delicious consequences. The Decepticons need these secrets to help discover an ancient device that turns suns into energy

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