by Amanda Chaput

Created on: September 03, 2009

Falling in love is a hard thing to deal with, but how exactly do you handle that feeling when something happens and the relationship ends? For me, I turn to friendship. I remember making a promise that stated If anything happens, I promise we will always be friends. No one quite understands why I did this, but when I look back on it, I believe that it was the best choice I ever made.

Initially after we broke up, the friendship was more than that. There were intimate encounters, and feelings for each other that we couldn't hide. Then I chose to move. I thought it was the best idea for me. I thought that by moving, I could get over the feelings that I had for her, and in a way I was right. I got over the hurt, the anger, the feeling of betrayal. What I didn't get over was the time we had spent together and quite a few other feelings. After moving out of state, I insisted on keeping in some sort of contact with her. It was a tie to a life that I had once loved, and I refused to severe that tie. There were arguments between the two of us as we moved on with our lives, but during those arguments we learned a lot about each other and what had gone wrong while we were together. In my insistence to stay in contact with her, I feel that I made a very strong bond of friendship that we wouldn't have had if we would have stayed together in the first place. Through each argument, a new wall was built based on the honesty that we had entrusted with each other no matter how harsh the words were that we exchanged. It was a learning experience, as it was both my first true love, and my first true break-up. There were feelings of betrayal, feelings of mistrust and hurt. I didn't know why I wanted to keep the friendship, but now looking at it, I understand that I spent almost four years with this woman, and she knew me better than anyone else. We had experienced such difficult times together, and we had helped each other through some of the most trying experiences either one of us had ever had.

She was my first girlfriend, the one that I essentially came out of the closet for. I looked at what I had done to her life; before me she was married, albeit not happily, and she had a wonderful family life. Then I came into her life. I was like the tornado that took Dorothy to Oz. I showed her a new way of life in which I believe she was happy. Even through our arguments when we were together, our lives were really great. We experienced the harsh world of discrimination based on our sexual orientation together. We were co-workers, and we were both given the ultimatum of quitting on our own accord, or being fired, and having a black mark from the employer on our references.

Throughout all of this, I have learned that my ex is by far my best friend. I can trust her with anything and I know I can depend on her to help me through difficult times. Is our lesbian friendship healthy? To me it is.

Even though this is my own experience, I do believe that it is possible to have a healthy lesbian relationship after a break-up. I believe that it depends on what caused the break-up, and if both parties were amicable to the idea of breaking-up. Even in some circumstances, if both parties are not amicable to the break-up, there are some determined people, me for instance, who will not give up on the idea of retaining a friendship with someone they have spent so much time with.

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