by Lisa Moeller

Created on: September 02, 2009   Last Updated: September 03, 2009

The Consequences of Self-Betrayal in Relationships

I recently ended an 18-month relationship; one that I believed, at first, was the closest thing to perfect but in retrospect, I realize that I had ignored some "flashing red lights." My ex-lover is a unique, extremely creative human being. In many ways, he is way ahead of humanity's curve. In other ways, he still needs to grow and evolve. Just like me.

For a time, our relationship seemed blessed. Never in my life had I felt such security with a man. We shared so much common ground. There were things that were difficult for me to accept about him (flashing red lights,) but I tried to look deeper to the person inside. He could be cruelly outspoken, but I told myself that I'd take that over a liar any day. He often spoke of ex-girlfriends, some that continued to remain in contact with, despite his relationship with me. At one point, I requested that I not be told anymore about the inappropriate communications (that included sexual invitation) because it was upsetting to me, but he was offended that I even asked. I didn't feel I had the right to tell him with whom he could remain friends (although later, he did so to me without reason.) I wanted so badly to trust and not let something like this, the old pornographic-style photos of women and exes (including this woman) that he kept, the constant contact by women on his chat pop-ups, or the porn-surfing bother me.

But I was only betraying myself and my intuition, and that is the crux of this story.

For good reasons, I already had a deep sense of distrust in men. Coupled with his activities, comments and so on, this distrust was impossible for me overcome totally, even with all the good that we shared. Having trusted so few men in my life, he was actually the man I trusted the most. But, eventually, I could not deny my nagging intuition any longer, and two months after he moved in with me and my 12-year-old son, I did what I promised myself I wouldn't do: I snooped in his computer and found exactly what I had feared. I did it because I wanted an increased sense of reassurance. I had been lied to before. I did it believing hopefully that I wouldn't find anything and realizing I was going to feel awful when I didn't. But I did. Blindsided, I believe, is the word.

Completely devastated like never before in my life by the graphic chat messages exchanged over a period when we had been talking about our future living together, after I had expressed my love for him, after

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