Marriages seem to crumble and fall right before our eyes. Sometimes the reasons are obvious, and sometimes we are baffled. Even people who married with the best possible intentions and gave it their best shot are throwing in the towel at an alarming rate. It is frightening to think of yourself in that situation, particularly if you consider yourself committed to your marriage and desire for nothing more than a healthy loving partnership. Marriage takes work, but what does that work look like? The following thoughts and tools are ways we can work to form and maintain a solid marital unit.
Begin Strong - Putting positive, protective practices into your marriage from the very beginning can strengthen your foundations. Financial struggles, parenting issues, physical illness, loss of a job, problems with in-laws; some or all of these things will play a role in your marriage at some stage, and being united and strong as you enter into a time of crisis greatly affects how you handle it.
Learn what Love looks like - Dr. Gary Chapman gifted the world with his thoughts on love by sharing with us the secrets of the 5 love languages. In short they are:
1) Encouraging Words
2) Quality Time
3) Gifts
4) Acts of Service
5) Physical Touch
Everyone has a primary love language. This is the way we are most comfortable with showing our love, and also with receiving love. Suppose your primary love language is Acts of Service. You always keep the lawns mowed, the car serviced and filled with gas, the trash emptied, and the floors vacuumed. You spend your time giving of yourself for the benefit of others. What if your wife has the love language of Quality Time? She wants you to sit and have a cup of coffee, go for a drive on a Sunday afternoon to nowhere in particular, watch old movies together or go for walks on the beach. On some level, she may appreciate what you are doing for her, but she is not feeling as loved as she could if you recognized her love language and cherished her in what she needs.
No matter what your primary love language is, you need to learn to love and receive love in all of these different ways in order to be successful with relationships. It is a vital part of building a successful relationship with your husband or wife and also your children and support network.
Marriage Time - Prioritize your marriage by dedicating some time for yourselves each week. To begin with, you might be able to spend lots of time together, but as social and parental demands become more of an issue it is harder and harder to find the time for your spouse. The person who is the most important is the one who ends up sacrificing the most. Some of this cannot be helped, but it is vital to any relationship to have time together. Schedule time together, that is to say, put an appointment in your day-timer, cell-phone, e-calendar; whatever it takes to make sure you remember and prioritize your marriage.
Life is often compared to a journey. If we take this to be true, then our spouse is who we want to journey with. If we do not take the time to evaluate where we are and where we would like to go together, then we cannot be surprised when we end up on altogether different roads after 20 years of neglecting each other.
Communicate - There are so few mind readers in the world it seems that we really should be better at communicating than we are. Expressing your needs, desires, thoughts, emotions, and fears is a part of intimacy. The Princeton website has my favorite definition for intimacy which is "the absence of relational fences." The fences in any relationship are often the result of failed communication. How many times do we get our feelings hurt and then dish out the silent treatment waiting for a response? This is very ineffective marital communication, and leads to the building of fences rather than the ultimate goal of uncorrupted intimacy.
Talk as much as you can. Talk over coffee, while doing the dishes, in bed, in the car, on the phone, email each other; whatever it takes to eliminate those fences.
Develop an attitude of Loyalty - Do not be a complainer. We all know people who spend an enormous amount of time and energy complaining about their spouse. What they forgot to do, didn't do properly, character flaws, hygiene habits and shortcomings in every area. If you feel the need to say these things, then say them to your husband or wife. They are the only ones who can address your complaint.
Be loyal to your partner, quick to praise and encourage them for their efforts, to their face and also among friends. Be your husband or wife's biggest supporter and advocate. It will go much farther towards changing their behavior for the positive than complaining ever could.
Learn to Compromise - There is no need to be a doormat, but compromise is an important part of any adult relationship. Part of maturity is realizing that you cannot have your own way all the time. Learn to compromise graciously and not be a sore loser. It is equally important to understand that if you win, someone else is losing in some way. Be sensitive to that. Communicate your wants and needs clearly so that decisions are made together in the most informed manner possible.
Acknowledge Your Sexual Needs - Neglecting any need is not a good thing. We all have the need for physical touch, hugs, kisses, cuddles and more. As our lives become crowded with responsibilities and children, our focus becomes more and more outward and less focused on each other and how we can please and fulfill one another. This is a fundamentally important part of a healthy marriage and often the first place breakdowns begin.
Work on maintaining a sense of romance and excitement. Your partner may not change, but location, activity and ambiance are not set in stone. Be clever and creative and don't lose that spark!
Marriage at any stage - from the beginning to the well established - require a constant renewing of commitment. Be committed, communicate your commitment to your husband or wife, grow your friendship in as many ways as you can and try and always focus on the good in your partner and what a wonderful team you make. Being a part of a healthy marriage is being a part of something that is so much bigger than what you could ever be on your own. Glory in that ability.
Marriage is not a drudgery, but a blessing. A blessing filled with highs, lows, emotions and all the other messy aspects of life, but a blessing just the same.