by Timo Cerantola

Created on: September 01, 2009   Last Updated: September 08, 2009

Neanderthals and why kids need braces!

I asked the dentist about my daughter's soon to arrive adult teeth.

Doctor Bob said there were some overcrowding issues and their teeth could come in a little crooked. "I wouldn't rule out their need for braces." He continued.

"But, there is a chance their teeth may work themselves out straight, right?" I pleaded, begging for an affirmative answer.

"Well... well, probably not." It was then that Dr. Bob smiled that toothy, boy am I going to make a bundle here smile. "It's really hard to say at this point, but I seriously doubt it."

Bob suddenly had a far away look in his eyes. Knowing him as well as I do, I could tell that Bob, an avid fisherman, was already thinking about all the high-tech fishing gear he'd buy with the money he'd make straightening my daughter's wayward teeth.

Now Bob is a great guy and an excellent dentist. He would never take advantage of anyone, especially not a friend. I trust him completely. I even let him put his fingers in my mouth. If that's not trust I don't know what is! Of course, trust works both ways Bob. So be nice and you'll always have thumbs!

"The reality is," Bob continued sympathetically, "Both of your girls will probably need braces."

What could I say? That's my reality bucko. Get with the program. Some days, I just hate the 'real' world. I much prefer 'fantasy world' where all kids have straight teeth and everyone lives at Disney World. In the real world, parents must spend thousands of dollars realigning their kids' migratory molars into neat little rows!

"Have you ever wondered why crooked teeth are so prevalent today Bob?" I asked.

"Way back in the olden days of Neanderthal man, people had enormous jaws and could easily handle the 32 teeth nature assigned them. But, as man evolved and our jaws became smaller, well except for maybe Jay Leno, overcrowded teeth have become very common. People today generally don't have wide enough jaws for 32 teeth. Today, most of us can barely handle a deck of 28. Any more than that and we start to look like the nutty professor! What can I say, I guess those Neanderthal chicks just didn't dig the guys with the big jaws any more."

There it was. Finally, someone I could assign blame too. Damned Neanderthal women! I can't even vent my frustration at them. They're all gone now - extinct, except for maybe Jay Leno's mom of course. As for Dr. Bob, he already has plans for the money he'll make on my daughters wandering teeth.

I should have become a dentist. I could go fishing with Bob. The two of us, relaxing on a boat, visions of crooked teeth dancing in our heads, each crooked smile representing a large appliance or small automobile. Laughing endlessly at all those crooked teeth stories we'd tell each other while we filled our boat with fish. Dentists! They treat my kids like gold and me like I'm made of it.

When I finally got home and told my wife, she seemed very concerned, if not perturbed. I thought she might have even muttered under her breath, "I should have married Jay Leno. Then, I wouldn't be having this problem right now!"

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