by Timo Cerantola

Created on: August 31, 2009   Last Updated: September 03, 2009

I want a cheese that can drive women crazy!

If you were to ask me, as a media professional who knows absolutely nothing about advertising, what would you say is the most effective way to advertise a product on TV?

Well, judging by what I've seen of TV ads, I'd say first, assume that the entire viewing audience is completely without a critical thinking process and must be addressed as if you were speaking to people with the IQs of mayonnaise.

Secondly, as if speaking to people with severe hearing disorders, you must scream your ad at them with decibel levels approaching that of jet aircraft taking off.

Third. Rattle off your copy at a rapid, break-neck pace so that no one will actually understand what you are saying, other than the odd burst of the words sale, save or buy. This is how advertising is done.

Now, if through this muddled process, you can manage to add a few bits about how your product will make people the envy of all of their friends, rich beyond their wildest dreams as well as lose that sagging fat that seems to collect around their thighs and midsections, that will help your ad immensely - even if you're selling laundry soap.

Of course, the whole point of advertising is to make the general public feel bad about themselves, their lives, their friends, their families and everything they ever believed in.

Then, once you've got them feeling suicidal, tell them your "product" will cure them of their inadequacies and that all of their problems will vanish instantly with one ingestion, application or insertion (?) of your "product" - that is, until they run out. Then of course, their lives will revert back into a steaming, pathetic pile of crap (unless they purchase more of your product immediately).

Seriously, can you people even stand yourselves unless you have shiny silky hair, soft toilet paper and armpits that smell like pine cones?

Well... can you?

I certainly can't stand myself and, as far as I can tell, I can't stand any of you either - and I don't even know most of you.

"Oh honey," the commercial begins. "It's our son Bill on the phone. He's just bought life insurance and he's so very happy now!" (Father takes the phone).

"Good for you son. You know, I own lots of insurance too. Now we can both die and leave lots of money to our widows (and their gold-digging, gigolo boyfriends). You've made me very proud son."

Hey, I'm all for life insurance if you have a young family but, I've never once called my parents to excitedly announce my new premiums.

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