by Timo Cerantola

Created on: August 26, 2009   Last Updated: August 27, 2009

Brother can you spare another $2.3 Trillion?

In the beginning, there were no banks.

Then man said, "Let there be the three piece suit." AND man saw that this was good (especially Armani). Then man said, "Let there be the brief case, the two martini lunch and the bank charge."

And when man saw what he had created, he believed that this too was good - although he decided to raise the bank charges just a bit more.

Then man asked himself, "What else can I do to complicate my life?"

And so, man invented the stock market and, before you could say 'my broker is an incompetent fool', the value of Dow Jones Industrials became mired in a bull market; bank profits dropped and the rest of us were in debt up to our pie holes. And if you don't believe me, just ask God. He was there and He'll confirm everything.

True. Prior to the invention of money and the stock market, mankind had a wonderfully efficient system called the barter system; e.g. you give me a bear fur and I'll give you a couple brontosaurus steaks. I'll tell you the secret of fire; you give me one of your wheel inventions. You give me that bag of 'Cheesits' - I won't bash your skull in with this rock.

You know, we traded stuff.

Of course, trading is still done today. Only now, it's done on worthless paper at the stock exchange. But as any child of three with a diverse stock portfolio (and a large rock) can plainly see, today's stock market still parallels the old barter system in many ways - although actual living breathing livestock (other than the stock brokers) are no longer present on the trading floor.

Now I prefer the simplicity of the old barter system though, as many of you have probably noticed, these days Home Depot or Sears will not accept a goat as payment - although the going rate for a four slice toaster among Mongolian yak herders is still two sheep, a bottle of moonshine, a deck of cards and a jar of peanut butter (which in Mongolia is the makings of one heck of a party).

Many people find the stock market a very confusing place. And so, in an effort to clarify any confusion, I asked the world-renowned investment counselor, Mr. Diddley P. Squat for some market tips to pass along to you. You know what they say in the market circles, if you don't know Diddley, you don't know Squat!

Diddley says, the first thing anyone must learn when it comes to understanding the complexities of the stock market is the difference between the two very important market terms "bearish" and "bullshi... er bullish."

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