by Bryan Walton

Created on: August 26, 2009   Last Updated: August 30, 2009

Healing Hostility for Personal Peace

The dense traffic was inching along the highway, and once again I was resigned to being home late that night. In the rear view mirror I caught a glimpse of a vehicle, about six cars back, sneak out onto the shoulder and accelerating past the slowly moving convoy. As the SUV passed by, I felt a wave of anger and resentment towards that inconsiderate driver. This was followed almost immediately by a twinge of guilt for having such intense negative feelings - you see I consider myself a nice guy, laid-back, and tolerant. Anyway, the guilt must have done the trick, for within a couple of minutes the feelings dissipated and I was back to my normal self.

Maintaining my positive self-image is important to me: to not harbour negative thoughts. By trading the 'punishment of guilt' to assuage the 'pain of anger' I seem to have created a balance of sorts and avoided the anti-social act of expressing anger. But have I really let go? Or have I just suppressed the resentment and actually reinforced my belief that deep down, I am an angry person and need to control my negative self? If this is the case, my so-called positive image is a sham and a lie. This notion is underscored in 'A Course in Miracles' (lesson 21) which suggests:

"You will become increasingly aware that a slight twinge of annoyance is nothing but a veil drawn over intense fury."

I realize that my self-image is totally made up; an artificial creation of my mind. It consists of a number of adopted attributes to which I have become rather attached and forms my identity. I certainly am proud when any of my achievements are publicly recognized. However when things don't go the way I planned, or reality doesn't follow my rules, it seems to be a threat to this identity for I find myself getting anxious, upset, and sometimes angry, as I try to get back in control.

I found it interesting to notice how my defence routines kick into place immediately my identity is threatened, either by blaming circumstances or the person causing the upset. The neat thing about this strategy is that any counter attack would of course then be justified and it would be unfair to label it as vengeance. If external blame doesn't work, and since the idea of blaming myself would be an even bigger threat to my identity, my fallback position is to deny the problem exists, cover up the denial, and forget that I did.

While this false way of being is not exactly a recipe for a life of peace and happiness,

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>