by Jenny Tolley

Created on: August 26, 2009

When I married my husband, I chose to change my last name to his. I made that decision because I knew it was important to him, but it was also important to me. Sharing the same last name as my husband makes us feel like we are united as a couple and as a family unit separate from my birth family.

I never considered not changing my name, even though I finished graduate school six months before my wedding day and all of my professional credentials and contacts knew me by my maiden name. Sometimes, I wonder if that was a smart move in terms of my career, but then I realize that my marriage means more to me than a career does.

I have two older sisters who got married and chose not to change their names. I think they both declined to change their names because they were both established in their careers. However, I also know that one of my sisters didn't change her name because my parents did not have any sons. She wanted to keep our father's last name, at least in part, because of that reason. I suspect that my other married sister chose not to change her name because her husband's last name is ethnic and she doesn't look the part. It seems silly, but knowing my sister, I'm sure that was part of her decision. I do know that she uses his name whenever they are addressed as a couple.

In my mind, changing my name to my husband's name is a matter of respect for our marriage and faith that we will stay together. Perhaps that faith is misguided or quaint, considering how many people get divorced in America every year. But I have faith that my husband and I will beat the odds. I also prefer his last name to my birth name, mainly because the last name I was born with could be easily turned into an insult. Indeed, someone in high school, college, and my jobs beyond college always managed to come up with it. So far, no one has turned my husband's name into any embarrassing nicknames.

I have lived in and visited many other countries around the world. I know that the customs regarding a person's surname differ wherever one goes. For instance, women in the Republic of Armenia tend to retain their father's last name when they marry. People in Iceland also use their father's names, but they're followed by the word son or daughter. For that reason, siblings within an Icelandic family may have different last names. In America, we have many choices. A person, male or female, can choose to keep their name, change it to their spouse's, or hypenate it. I know of one couple in which the spouses assumed each other's surnames; both went by a hyphenated version. As for me, the best choice was to take my husband's name. I have never regretted the decision, even as I can see why others would choose differently.

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