by Lisa Termin

Created on: August 25, 2009

Letter to a Single Father from his grown Little Girl:

Dearest Daddy,

Thank you for always providing for us. I know it must have been difficult and lonely, working twelve hour days, six days per week. Thank you for the clothes and the school supplies and the food and house. Thank you for taking care of repairs and bills without complaint and thank you for making sure we were bathed and warm.

Your silence and lack of interaction with me did me in though. I still battle it today. I would have traded all the home cooked meals and pencils in the world for at least one block of time that was special between you and me and no other. I longed to hear your voice, craved a smile of approval - my ears ached from straining to hear you speak worth and direction into my life but that never happened. Always aware of your presence, I hoped and waited in anguish day after day, year after year to hear you say my name, call me forth and revel in my being. I wanted to see your eyes; moreover, I needed to see them dance with delight because of me and my existence and placement in your life.

I wanted so much to be your princess. I needed to know if you thought I was pretty. I wanted you to see me and take joy in me and love me through and through. I wanted you to be brave enough to step toward me, scoop me up in your big, strong arms and lay me gently against your chest and hear you speak words of approval and security and comfort to me, straight from your heart. I wanted to know that you would protect me physically and emotionally at all costs, or die trying. You were my hero in waiting.

I know you are a man and those things probably would have been difficult for you. But I wanted to see your bravery in doing them anyway. I needed to witness you sacrifice your heart for me in pursuit of mine. Did you not trust my heart with yours? The only conclusion that I can come up with is that I was not worth it. All the words in the world now could not convince me otherwise. The furniture got more of your attention than I did.

I have struggled with this conclusion every day of my life. It has affected my ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone, let alone my husband. You were there though you were not. That may be the most destructive form of abandonment there is. I love you and I forgive you but my heart still feels rejected and unworthy. I don't know how to heal from that. Silence is not golden. Silence is piercing and damaging.

I strain to hear your voice now, to remember what it sounded like. I close my eyes and try to remember any words of worth from your heart to mine, special and just for me. Silence engulfs. I can't even recall what my name sounded like on your lips.

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