by Frank Shetland

Created on: February 09, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

As a 24 year old woman, I am quite out of place when I express my dismay over the number of wedding shows on TV, bridal magazines on the shelves, and big to-dos over engagements. I felt this way long before I met my husband, and I still feel this way even after our wedding, which took place a year and a half into our actual marriage. There are many questions one has to ask herself before jumping into a lifelong commitment, but I feel that we, as a society, have regressed so far into materialism, Barbie-doll worship, and facades that the first questions we have to ask are much more basic than "can you imagine yourself growing old with this person?"

First of all, if he asked you to marry him in a quiet, unromantic way, and WITHOUT a diamond, would you still say yes?
Try to be realistic. This is one of the least important questions on my list, but I think if you are daydreaming about the proposal, it is possible that it is the attention you desire, rather than a lifelong commitment, which you may later be ready for. Does a loud proposal really honor you? Actually, it puts you in a spot in which you have to say yes. It assumes that you will. And does a diamond symbolize forever? Actually, it symbolizes a financial expenditure that could be avoided. A family ring, or no ring, but plans to buy a house perhaps, indicate more responsibility and thought toward you.

Secondly, if there was no wedding, would you still want to marry him?
The average wedding in the USA costs $17K. Think about that. And even thrifty brides spend into the thousands of dollars. Where could that money go otherwise? Into a house, which is an investment into the future-a future you hope to spend together. Into paying off school debt, as debt and financial problems are the #1 cause of divorce in this country with an overall 60% divorce rate.
What is important here-if the wedding is more important than the marriage, you are not ready.

Thirdly, are you okay with your partner just as he is? Or are you assuming that something will change when you get married? If you have heard this once, you have heard it a thousand times. Get it in your head-if you can't live with him now, you will not be able to live with him later.

Marriage is a commitment that should be lifelong. It is also an adjustment. Having been very happily married for a year and a half, I feel that we did everything right. My husband proposed quietly, we did not have a wedding until we visited his family in Argentina, where it was much cheaper (otherwise we would never have had one), and we had been comfortable together and loved each other for who we were before we made the commitment. It's time to get real, and start choosing someone who can be a real partner, best friend, and lover, instead of trying to make up for what he lacks with the wedding.

Learn more about this author, Frank Shetland.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.