by Paula Megginson

Created on: August 25, 2009   Last Updated: August 26, 2009

Love or Need?



It is insane
The way we are prepared to think
The choices we are compelled to make
Just to have
What we think
We want

He was preparing himself to move in on me
He was hoping to have a new place to go
Not so much to have some one to love
But to have some one to take care of his needs

He needed a new roof
Not so much his own
But one he could call home for however long

It would last
That is not fare
I am not happy knowing that is what
I really meant to him

Where is the love
The real love
The love that make's you want to do right
By the one you are with

He said he loves me
But if feels quite false
He tries to do some of what I ask
But not quite enough
How long will it last?

Of what value is he to me?
Of what value am I to him?
Is his heart with me?
Or is it with what I can offer?

I can't do now
What I have done
In the past
I know too much
I understand too much
I am on the verge of
Too
Many
Breakthroughs
Change
Has changed me

Yet a small part of me wants to live with him
A small part of me wants to love him
To trust him to change too
The problem is
I don't think he wants to change

I fear
That if he ever had the opportunity
To touch me
That is all it would take
I then would need him like a drug
I would unhappily do what he wanted me to do
With the hopes he would stay around long term.

He is important to me
I never get to tell him
Just how important he is
We don't talk much at all

I don't know how important
I am to him
Or if I am at all
It's difficult
Although
It should not be
Not to say to him
Let's do it
I yearn for his touch
His embrace
His caressing
But
It is never there

He is not available to know the passion
I have inside for him
It is as if
GOD himself
Is blocking us
I can't go against it
I am powerless
To change things
If I could
I probably would
But this time
I can't
This is one of the most
Unusual
Relationships
I have ever been privileged
To be in
I say privileged
Because
I semi
Have what I want
Have
What I always wanted
But I do not have what
I have grown accustomed to
It is just not
Within
My reach

He affords me way
Too much
Freedom
He trust me
Totally
He shows a great deal
Of respect
More than I
Am used too
He listens to me
He works with me to a degree
To please me
He seems honest with me
He doesn't volunteer much
But he doesn't seem to withhold much either

He is slow moving
He is delicate yet passionate
I want him
Yet I can't reach him
I don't understand why

I don't know where he lives
I can not call him
I can not visit him
I can not depend on him
I want to lean on him
But he is not always there

I feel; alone looking through a glass
Longing to love and be loved
By my love
He is so handsome
So diviner
He is so mindful
So intelligent
He is so funny
Tasty
And desirable
Yet he is so far away
I don't know how to feel
I feel love for him
But I need to only like him
Then I won't cry so much
When he is not there

I think I could cope with not seeing him
If I could at least hear him and
Feel his voice
If I could hear
His love
As his tone caresses me
It would be difficult
But not as difficult
As it is now
At least

That is what I think

I don't know where we are
I hate feeling uncertain
This can't be the way
It is supposed to be
Something
Has to change
Real soon
In order for us
To survive
I was at peace
Without him
Then he found me
Now I am at turmoil
With him
Since he found me

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