by Adele Gregory

Created on: August 24, 2009   Last Updated: August 25, 2009

Even the way they breathe infuriates you. Their presence is an icy northern wind and when they open their mouths to speak it's like fingernails down a chalkboard. It can seem quite implausible that any normal mortal could get along with such a creature even though on some deep grudging level you know you should try. But take heart, getting along and liking do not have to go hand-in-hand. The key to getting along with people you don't like is not to put more pressure on yourself; it's to put less.

First, however, it's important to make a distinction between dislike and conflict. The dislike described in the tips below concerns people you find irksome because of their manner or habits or personality but who do not pose a threat or cause you any actual harm. If there are contentious issues between you, rivalries or anger over a past incident the best help may come from conflict management.

For a case of simple dislike, it helps to bear in mind that you'll probably meet far too many people in life to like or be liked by everyone. Give yourself permission to slot this individual into the category "don't like" without feeling obliged to make a case for it. You don't need to justify your feelings or supply proof of their dislike-ability. They're just not your cup of tea, full stop.

It may seem odd to think that accepting your right to dislike someone could help you get along better, but it can. This is because it frees you from having to gather evidence of their unpleasantness, which only winds you up further when you find it and leaves you unsettled when you don't. The same goes for habits which annoy you. Accept that you have seen it enough times to conclude that these exist and you don't have to mark each new occurrence. Then you can turn your attention to what you'll do when it happens rather than watching out for it or focusing on how bad it is.

The next pressure to take off is seeking a "breakthrough" which will instantly transform animosity into friendship. Breakthroughs can happen but they're a leap, which means if they fail you fall with a thud. Better to take the stairs, go gradually and concentrate on your own reactions rather than theirs.

Don't seek them out, but don't avoid the person all together (this builds a mystique around them). Practice just being in their presence. If you can be in the same room with no hostile exchanges, you are technically getting along. If you can keep your attention on whatever else is happening and away from you feel about them, it's a success. Then build this up to joining a smaller group they happen to be in, if possible, and cast your eyes around so that you appear to be talking to everyone. If you pass one another in a hall or on the street, give a nod.

What makes getting along with someone you don't like difficult is thinking that you have to get along very well or not at all. In reality, you only need to get along well enough to complete whatever it is you need to do politely and without incident. Keep you eye on what the aim of your contact is and let yourself off the hook to like, challenge or redeem them in the process. If your interaction doesn't fall into discord, you've got along. Anything more is a plus.

Learn more about this author, Adele Gregory.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.