by Michael Raymond

Created on: August 24, 2009

Helium Gas

"Thanks for calling Dr. Penname's office. Home of the dentist's dentist. How can we help you?"

"Hello. I am a dentist and I need to get a tooth pulled."

"Great! With us, it's no appointment necessary. You can simply wander in off the street, so to speak, or from wherever else you live."

"I do not live on the street! I certainly hope that is not what you were insinuating."

"No, no sir. Not at all what I meant. Sometimes, communication is difficult when it's not face to face, so I can understand your confusion. You say you need a tooth pulled? Is it your tooth?"

"My tooth? Yes, of course! Why would I call you to pull someone else's tooth? That makes absolutely no sense."

"Now, sir, there's no reason to get nasty. We are just your friendly neighborhood dentist, after all, trying to make sure our fellow dentists get the oral..., I mean dental care they need. As I'm sure you're aware, most dentists have no one to look after their teeth for them, so that's why we're here. We're the best in the business."

"Well, may I set an appointment, please?"

"Certainly. I can help you with that. Actually, we can see you right away. We've got no waiting, lots of empty chairs, and this really cool system that lets you watch your root canal as it's happening. It's the coolest thing I've ever seen. In fact, it's won awards. Five stars, I think. Or was it four? No, three. Definitely three stars, but it's won lots of awards."

"I am not after a root canal. I need a tooth pulled - my tooth."

"What'd you do to break your tooth?"

"May I just set an appointment, please?"

"Yes sir. Have you ever been here before? Well, to get here you turn left, go about a mile and a half, until you get to your second right. There'll be a big gray building on the corner. Don't go in the direction of that building, though, you want to go the other way. So, you keep heading straight for roughly four or five blocks, or maybe it's three...I don't remember. Look for the sign out front that says 'Dentistry' - with a capital 'D'. It's easy. You can't miss it."

"How can you tell me how to get there when you have no idea of where I'm coming from?"

"Oh, I tell everybody where to go. I've been doing this for five years now. Or is it four? Well, at least three anyway. Everybody gets here eventually."

"I do not need an appointment. Is that correct? I can just walk in right now and not have to wait?"

"Yes."

"Sir, are you still there?"

"Yes, I'm here. I was waiting for a longer response, I guess. I suppose the usual fees between

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