by Darryl Miles

Created on: August 24, 2009

Field guide for missionaries in impoverished countries.

Hi there new missionary. We know you have a choice of churches to work for free in third world countries for and we're glad you chose the Jesus Christ church of Happy Things. Missionary work is fun and rewarding so let's jump right in and explain the process too you.

Jesus Christ was the greatest person that every lived. He was so great God decided that if you don't like Jesus you spend eternity in hell fire (We're guessing that's what Jesus would have done). Your job is to make sure as many people accept Jesus as possible. We have developed a standard procedure for this to take the guess work out of personally moving someone.

Our studies have shown it's almost impossible to convert someone that considers themselves your equal so we use our resources to convert kids and poor people since we are so much higher than them on societies ladder. Since you have never overcome a drug addiction nor had an abortion you regret you were put into our third world country program.

Third world missionary work allows you to see a part of the world you never would have otherwise (most of these places don't even have a two star hotel). Depending on where you are sent you will likely be seen as a rich foreign savior, a western fascist infidel, or the long prophesized white god that would return from across the waters. All of these have their advantages, except the infidel, but let's look at our three part strategy to convert a poor heathen.

First give them the food we ship to you every month, but make sure they know it comes from God. Many people will be converted just by the belief that there is a God that can provide an abundance of food stuffs. Try telling them if they stop believing the shipments might stop coming, that one works miracles. The food program has been very successful over the years. By making them dependant on us for food we know they will keep coming back to hear the word. It would be more efficient in the long run to give them seeds and teach them farming techniques, but this would inhibit our ability to do the Lord's work. Also since the U.S. government pays farmers so much to grow corn they grow more than anyone is willing to pay for so we get it for free. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.

If giving them food doesn't work use the technology strategy. Some of the natives may not be impressed with food since some of their neighbors may actually know how to farm. To shake their unbelief we have sent you an MP3 player, a Swiss Army knife, and a lighter. We have discovered that these items prove amazing enough to some people to worship the Christian God that invented them.

If western food and materialism don't work there is one last miracle you can try. In your missionary pack are 20 viles of penicillin and a needle. Whenever a local gets an illness the medicine man can't fix try giving them this anti-biotic. It should work often enough to convince a few stragglers to accept Jesus. If using a needle on several people spreads an infection you can use this to convince the locals that if they all pray hard enough a real doctor might be sent to help them. Now sending a doctor to the third world is very expensive and we have to use the Lord's money wisely so only request this if it is likely to convert large numbers of people.

Well that's about it. We know your gonna love being a missionary so we won't hold you up any longer. Now go do God's work.

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