by Darryl Miles

Created on: August 24, 2009

ATF deputizes NRA

In an effort to lower gun violence the ATF has announced a new strategy for combating illegal firearms. Department spokesman Bernie Smithinson announced that all approximately 500,000 members of the National Rifle Association would be deputized.

Smithinson The move just makes sense. When we looked at how many deputies we would need to confiscate the guns of NRA members we realized we were woefully out manned and gunned.

As deputies NRA members will be allowed to own in addition to standard rifles and handguns, sawed off shot guns, assault rifles, machine guns, and personal explosive devices such as grenades. Smithinson added NRA members are much better armed than a typical ATF agent and are more skillful with there weapons. We estimate that this policy will save taxpayers over $3 billion in equipment and training expenses.

This policy won't surprise supporters of President Barrack Obama. He has gained quite the reputation for reaching across the isle to work with his ideological counterparts. The president's office released a statement on the issue.

We are happy to add the NRA as part of the Federal Governments response to violent crime. Their personal connections within the black market for guns will make them an invaluable asset. By incorporating The NRA into the Department of Homeland Security under the ATF we also reform 500,000 former gun criminals and possible terrorists into productive members of the beaurocratic community that will be eligible for our new health care plan.

NRA spokesman Bill Conway welcomed the new status of the organization. As part of the government we are now free to receive federal funding as well other benefits Conway said to the press. These other benefits are expected to include, the ability to classify organizational meetings as TOP SECRET, access to IRS records to build their membership mailing list, and permission to use alternative interrogation techniques on people that have been determined to have overtly anti NRA leanings.

The plan has historic president as well. During prohibition federal agents wanted to find a way to reduce the amount of bootleggers. The Chicago branch director of the BATF started a pilot program to test the effectiveness of alternate strategies. He approached known bootlegger Al Capone and convinced him to work with the agency. With Al Capone's knowledge of the illicit alcohol trade the BATF was able to reduce the number of bootleggers in the Chicago area from over 100 to just one, Al Capone himself. The branch director was promoted to national director for his amazing work of completely wiping out bootleggers in Chicago since Al Capone was technically a government employee.

Under the new national directors direction the number of bootleggers nation wide went from 10,000 to virtually none overnight. It was fortunate timing since it was the same night that prohibition was repealed. Had the vile bootleggers still been in business they would have posed a serious obstacle to the upstart liquor industry.

We can only hope that the NRA will have just as good of results as Al Capone did. They definitely aren't wasting any time. They have already announced that their legal branch would seek to have political assassinations reclassified as protected speech.

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