by Patricia Tatum

Created on: August 22, 2009

You cheated. You regret it. You apologized and promised it would never happen again. In order to heal the relationship, you have to rebuild the trust. There is no simple solution; rebuilding trust requires understanding and changing the attitudes and beliefs that got you in trouble in the first place. You will likely have only one chance to get it right. If you are not 100% committed to your partner, you risk losing it all. As difficult as it may be, it is still possible if you know what to do.

Focus on your partner's healing. If they want you to check in every fifteen minutes, do it. If they are uncomfortable with a friendship you have, end it. Don't argue that it's "just a friend". That is likely what got you into trouble in the first place. It doesn't matter how trivial it may seem to you - this is about your partner's needs.

Do not blame your cheating on problems in your relationship. Plenty of relationship issues are resolved without one or the other having an affair. While it is vital to address relationship problems, the responsibility for regaining trust is totally yours.

Be an open book. Understand that lying isn't just about what you say. It's also about what you don't say. Cheating requires secrecy and hiding, even before it crosses the line to physical intimacy. Rarely does someone make a conscious decision to cheat without questionable behavior leading up to it. Show them your bank statements, your credit card charges, your phone bills. Introduce them to everyone you spend time with. Invite them to all social activities.

Don't create doubt in other areas of your life. Be totally honest about everything. If your partner sees you lying about other things, they will wonder if you are still lying to them.

Talk to your partner about what bothers you, even if it is about them. Hurting their feelings in the short term is considerably better than destroying your relationship.

On the other hand, learn to appreciate what you have. The grass really isn't greener on the other side of the fence. If it is, then you shouldn't be in this relationship anyway.

Don't get into the habit of saying negative things about your partner to others. Praise their good qualities, even when they're not around.

Become a more active participant in your relationship. Drifting apart is a common excuse to have an affair. If you feel distant from your partner, be the one to move closer.

A relationship cannot survive without trust. Building trust requires a life long commitment; rebuilding trust requires even more than that. It can be done, though. Not only will you have a stronger relationship - you will be a better person because of it.

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