by Carolyn Joslin

Created on: August 21, 2009

As one client told me several years ago, "Friends rule, families drool." This was his summary for why his friends were cooler than his family, and he cited several examples. Essentially, friends wear the same thing, do the same thing, like the same thing, and encourage you to do all of the wild-stupid-crazy things you want to do anyway. Families wear different things, do different things, like different things, and tell you all about all of the wild-stupid-crazy things you've done and why it was wrong. Adolescents want to feel like they are understood. They want to fit in.

Adolescence is a time when kids become more aware of the world around them, of social interactions, and of the emotional importance of feeling connected to others. Kids will quickly form friendships based largely on superficial things (a love of the same TV show), and will just as quickly separate from peers over equally superficial things (talking to the wrong person or sharing someone else's private info).

Adolescence is also a time of separation, as children prepare to start their own lives. Yes, they are far from being ready to manage bills, maintain a job, and live independently. However, this is the beginning of being able to manage time, money, and frienships. Because of this, children naturally pull away from their "past" (family) and lean toward their "future" (peers / partners).

My advice to parents- Kids will change their minds frequently about clothes, hair styles, friends, and preferred activities. Rather than being critical ("But last week you said she was your best friend, and now you don't want anything to do with her. Either she's your friend or she's not"), take a more understanding approach. Listen to what your kids are saying, try to remember that they're just learning their way in the world, and respond with some compassion and understanding.

~ Try not to judge, unless you're dealing with something you absolutely can't tolerate.

~ Use empathy statements such as "That sounds frustrating", "I would feel really hurt by that", or "If that happened to me, I'd be ___"

~ Be supportive. When your son or daughter has had a rough day with friends, acknowledge it and offer consolation.

~ Encourage your child to bring friends home, or to do things together in the community. When going out for dinner now and then, ask if your child would like to bring a friend along. Doing this allows you to meet and spend time with your child's friends, and also shows your child that you aren't so mean/boring/lame as he or she might think.

~ Be honest. Let your child realize that you know he or she would rather be with friends than family.

My advice to parents and adolescents alike is this: roll with it. There will be tough times, days when it seems you have no connection, nothing in common, and absolutely nothing will go right. Then there will be days when some things will go right, things will be tolerable, and it won't seem so bad. Working together, talking, and being able to let your kids make mistakes will all help to build a connection, a bond, that will decrease the amount of alienation and separation that adolescents experience.

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