by Zina Leone

Created on: August 21, 2009   Last Updated: September 01, 2009

I've always been a perfectionist, whether at my job, in my home, or even in the smallest tasks. Everything I set out to do, I put my all into it. Even as a Christian, I put a lot of demands on myself, trying to follow Christ to the letter and trying to show the same kind of love and understanding He did. That's not easy in a world where we're not only faced with much opposition, but sometimes people can be downright mean.

I found myself falling short time and time again, and began to feel a sense of extreme discouragement. No matter how hard I tried, I kept sliding back into sin and could never seem to do anything right. It got to a point I could hardly even pray any more, and when I did it was half-heartedly. I began to drift and it wasn't long before I stopped praying altogether. I was so down on myself I didn't feel I was even worthy to pray. It wasn't that I had stopped believing in God, I just didn't think He believed in me any more.

I went on with my life. I was a nurse and concentrated on caring for my patients the best I knew how, not giving much thought about trying to be perfect any more. I guess you can say I felt pretty much defeated.

One night, as I was busy caring for a premature infant in the NICU, I noticed one of my co-workers watching me with a peculiar look on her face. I asked her what was wrong. I thought for sure I must have been doing something wrong for her to be looking at me so oddly. I was not prepared for what she was about to say to me at all. She smiled and said, "I see Jesus in you."

I stood there stunned for half a minute while all sorts of thoughts raced through my head. How could she think she saw Jesus in me when I had turned my back on Him years ago? Then, almost as quickly as I had that thought, I realized if she was seeing Jesus in me it had to be because He was there. Even though I had left Him all those years ago, He had never left me. I burst into tears as this realization flooded over me and I had to ask to be excused. I went downstairs and outside to the parking lot and fell on my knees weeping, thanking God for never leaving me.

As I sat there I thought about how Jesus must have been working in me all this time and I didn't even know it. He had to be the one enabling me to give my patients the love and understanding they needed, because I was so bogged down with all my problems I didn't care much about anything any more. What my co-worker had seen certainly had nothing to do with me.

The verse, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" came to my mind as I sat there. I was beginning to realize without Him we are nothing and no matter how hard we try to do good, we cannot do it on our own strength. No wonder I always felt so defeated when I was trying so hard to do things on my own. The only thing that's worth anything in this world is His love and His righteousness, and if people happen to see that in us, what they're really seeing is Him.

I know now it's in my weakness that His strength is made perfect and I am confident He's always there, even when it might not feel like it. I am no longer a perfectionist, trying to do all things on my own, but someone who knows I can do all things (only) through Christ who strengthens me. His grace is sufficient for me.

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