by Kay Cooke

Created on: August 21, 2009   Last Updated: August 22, 2009

When you write a sympathy note don't just sign your name and let the words of the card (often quite impersonal and Hallmark-y) speak for you. if you have memories of the person who died, even if it is that they smiled a lot, say so. The people who receive the card will appreciate the personal note. Your words, however seemingly unimportant to you, will mean the world to those grieving, because it keeps the memory of that person alive.

The reason I know this is because I lost my father when I was fifteen years old and the cards that meant the most were the ones with a personal sentence or two about my father. When you have someone close to you die, you fight for their passing to be noted and their memory kept warm. I know this because after nearly forty years, I still fight for the memory of my father, who he was and what he did, to remain alive.

if you don't happen to know the person who died, but want to extend sympathy to their partner, child or relative, mention the fact that you didn't know them personally, but that you know how much they meant to you and appreciate the sadness and grief they must be feeling. Don't be afraid that you are going to upset them more. You won't. They need their grief to be reflected and acknowledged as something worthy of mention.

I recently wrote a sympathy note in a card for a family that included some memories I had of the person that had died. I wrote that I remembered how he made people laugh and that his cheeky sense of humor would be missed. They were so grateful for what I wrote, they made special mention of it to me at the funeral. "Oh thank you so much for the lovely words you wrote in that card you sent us." At a time of grief, it is impossible to find the words yourself and so to have someone else provide words and the memories, is like a gift.

The most important thing in keeping memories of a person alive is to talk about them, the things that you appreciate about them, the little habits they had or the way they spoke and walked. Don't be afraid to mention the person's name after they have died, and talk about them as if they are still a part of this world and of your world too. It is of deep comfort to the ones left behind to know that their loved one is still remembered. One of the biggest comforts for me is to go to reunions and have someone my father's age come up to me and say, "Oh I remember your father. What a lovely man he was. You must have missed him terribly." Rather than upset me and churn unwanted grief, it heals and cheers me. It comforts.

By writing a sympathy note in your own words, you fill the heavy silence that death brings with living words and you help the family keep open the door that death threatens to close forever.

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