by Teia Rogers

Created on: August 20, 2009   Last Updated: August 22, 2009

In intimate relationships, any slight can sting much deeper than expected. These are the results of being in love. Our connections and vulnerability expose us in terrifying and exhilarating ways. When we are let down by our partners or deceived or disregarded, those tender parts of us convince us that we may never be able to move on. We won't ever forgive. It's possible, it's available and it can liberate you from anxiety and save your marriage.

There are many challenges to forgiveness. We feel that forgiveness means they win. Those of us who are most stubborn, won't let go until the bitter end. While this can make us feel the temporary satisfaction of revenge and the illusion of strength, it only serves to sever the gentle fabric that holds us all together.

Forgiveness is the recognition that we are all human and weak and fragile and that there are multiple roads leading to and from conflict. In short, it takes two to tango. Coming to this realization is one of the first steps to forgiveness. We all have to take responsibility for some element of conflict. When we take ownership over our feelings and actions, we can then take steps toward forgiveness.

Forgive and forget is an unattainable ideal to reach. A deep wound will always leave a scar and allowing yourself to acknowledge that pain is important. Forgiveness is a part of love. Forgiving your spouse is an expression of your love for them. It honors the love they give you. When we forgive those we love we contribute to the development of the relationship. It is never up to one person to fix everything regardless of how they have hurt you.

How to forgive is a more complicated conversation. It's a personal conversation that happens when we reflect on those things that we need to move on. Forgiveness can mean taking time for introspection. Forgiveness can mean setting new boundaries and working together to create an attainable plan to respect those boundaries. Forgiveness can mean moving on from a relationship. Getting to forgiveness is an individual process because we all have our own sense of what we need before we can forgive. Reserving time for yourself to determine what those needs are is an invaluable tool in self-care. Ask yourself What do I need to forgive? Always keeping in mind that what you need must be a realistic goal that you and your spouse can meet.

After conflict it's easy to wish we could just go back in time and start over. As that technology has yet to be invented and made available to the general public, we must find ways to develop our future goals. It is essential to critically determine what you need to continue on in the relationship and forgive. Neither of you can move on until forgiveness cools the injured hearts. Forgiveness is a gift. Giving a gift to someone who has hurt you is a difficult thing and not easily given. But forgiveness in times of stress and hurt is the ultimate sacrifice and can help repair wounded feelings.

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