by Lyn Dee

Created on: August 19, 2009

The first question most people ask after hearing that your new baby has arrived safe and well is, 'And have you decided on a name yet?'

If you have, but that important decision wasn't yours, you may hesitate. You can make excuses to delay the revelation for a few days but, sooner or later, you will have to take a deep breath, make the announcement and wait for the stunned silence, muffled giggles or loud groans.

'You want to name that beautiful little child - what!?' they cry.

'No, I don't,' you explain. 'It's the name my husband (or wife) has chosen.'

In an ideal world, new parents should be willing and able to choose a name they both like. But what happens when a husband has promised to name a daughter after his favourite great-aunt Gertrude? Or the wife is determined to give her newborn son the name of her favourite pop singer, Tarquin Jingles?

If threatening divorce doesn't work, the couple should sit down and discuss the matter calmly. They both need to understand why one person is so insistent on that particular name and why their spouse hates it so much. Above all, they need to consider what their precious baby will think about it. After all, it is he or she who will have to live with it for life.

It might be useful to ask the opinion of someone else - but not a member of the extended family or anyone who will be biased in favour of either the husband or wife. This third person should point out drawbacks to a disputed name that might have been overlooked. (Yes, I'm sure your grandfather Adolf was a wonderful man, but other people could be reminded of a more notorious Adolf.)

This peacemaker might also be able to suggest a compromise. Children can have more than one name so perhaps a mutually acceptable name can be chosen for the first name and each parent could have their own choices as second and third names. Another solution might be to use a variation of the hated name. If you can't stand Harold, what about Harry? Fenella can be shortened to Ella.

If none of the above works, and one parent is still insistent on choosing that name, the other may reluctantly give in just to keep the peace. But all is not lost. You don't have to call your child by the name on the birth certificate. There's nothing to stop the use of a nickname. He or she will probably acquire one at school anyway.

And there is, of course, one very good reason why you should allow your spouse to name your child. When your adult son or daughter turns to you and yells, 'What on earth possessed you to give me that horrible/ stupid/ embarrassing name? Why didn't you understand it was going to ruin my life?' You will be able to smile sympathetically and explain that it wasn't your fault.

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