by Christopher H. Stevens

Created on: August 18, 2009

Not Quite Her Hearts Desire

Setting: A dirty restaurant. A couple, Cliff and Michelle, are sitting at a table. Throughout the meal, Cliff is secretly scribbling notes in a small notebook.

MICHELLE
Cliff, this place is awful. Your profile on DesperateSingles.com said you enjoy fine dining.

CLIFF
Well, it has a certain ambience. If you look past the filth and the roaches, it has kind of a charming character.

MICHELLE
If you consider E-Coli and Salmonella charming, then yes.

CLIFF
At least we didn't have to wait for a table.

MICHELLE
There might have been a wait for the table, had they decided to take few minutes and clear away the previous customer's rib bones before seating us.

CLIFF
Okay, so it's not exactly in Zagat's top ten.

MICHELLE
I'm guessing its rated somewhere in the bottom million, right after Prison Cafeteria and Rotting Buffalo Carcass.

CLIFF
Come on, I've eaten in a Prison Cafeteria. This is much better

MICHELLE
It has the worst reputation in the city!
(Pause)
Wait a minute.
Did you just say you've eaten in a prison cafeteria?

CLIFF
(Takes out a notebook, and begins to scribble some notes in it)
Oh, yeah, well I did some time in the eighties. Old news now.
Nothing major.

MICHELLE
Cheated on your taxes? Jaywalking? Disorderly Conduct?

CLIFF
Attempted Murder.

MICHELLE
(Startled)
WHAT?

CLIFF
Long story.

MICHELLE
I have time.
(Pause)
I also have mace.

CLIFF
I hit my tenant over the head with a brick. He was late on the rent.

MICHELLE
Really. What's the penalty for unauthorized overnight guests, Firing Squad?

CLIFF
NoYou see it was self defense, really. He was gonna hit me over the head with a shovel, so I tripped him. When he fell to the ground, I accidentally dropped a brick on his head.

MICHELLE
Accidentally?

CLIFF
Yeahyou see that's why they cut my sentence short. It was an accident. Anyway, I haven't hit anyone over the head with a brick since then.

MICHELLE
How tolerant of you.

CLIFF
(Taking notes)
I'm in anger management.

MICHELLE
Um, I know this is our first date and all, but it's not really what I expected.

CLIFF
Well, lets just see when the food gets here. Maybe they got a new chef.

MICHELLE
I'm not talking about just the restaurant. I'm not sure where to begin, but for starters, you were a half an hour late in picking me up!

CLIFF
Michelle, I told you I got a flat tire.

MICHELLE
Yes, I remember.
You made me change it when you got to the house.

CLIFF
I Helped.

MICHELLE
You held the flashlight.

CLIFF
I told you, I have a bad back.

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