There were those moments every teenager will go through. Those sad moments that will stain the memory of the young minds. As for me, I would never forget that day.
Someone died on that day. Someone I trusted, respected, loved; a friend, a great companion... a father. On the same day, someone I fear came alive. Everything happened in just one day. I would never forget those words he said - foul and crude. My heart shattered.
For another 100 years, I wouldn't dare to dream of what my mind had received. I wouldn't dare, swear to the highest power, to think of such cruelty. Not for another 1000 years, I am nothing but a girl who had a guilty heart for everything and nothing at all. I dare not to even have a dream of having no family or parents at all.
"...bitch. I know how kids are doing nowadays. They don't care about their parents. Always thought they are the best with or without education. Okay, go on. I won't stop you if you wanted to move out from the house. Kids do this nowadays, they wouldn't care much, and neither will I. Besides, I am dead to my children and to you too. And that's the fact, isn't it?"
Tears could be found soon after the words were out. For these 20 years, I didn't know I had been meaningless to him. I didn't know this was how I am to him. I didn't know for all those times I had spent with him was nothing. Truly, over the day, I wounded.
But I thank him. I would thank him for punching me hard, literally, telling me I'm no longer a little girl anymore that I should learn to live independently, to make my own decision, and to make me more of a woman. It is as well a one good time for me to start and think of what I wanted, of what I needed, and a real good plan for life (whether I'd be with my other half or not at all). It is always a good time to prepare for the solitude, to taste the delicious freedom.
Still, such cruelty I wouldn't expect from him. Nevertheless, it came.
Till today since the day I was born, I never was my parents' expectation. Need not another word to explain, I've cried a lot for this, as I've always trying to be the best over top. 'I've always thought my youngest baby will be better than her siblings...', 'I wasn't sure why we had you on the first place. I knew we shouldn't, especially not with this attitude you had.' Ouch, I know.
I am vulnerable. My bitchy personality had been my own disaster. I apologized for my stupidity. For so long, I have been who I am, but to no one who shall accept. I wouldn't change for anyone, but for myself. To some eyes, I am different. While to the other, I'm just their expectation.
Has anyone ever thought what am I in my eyes? Better yet, who am I to my eyes...
In fact, no one was ever dead to me. Yet, maybe, to you... I am.
...
I would constantly think back this scenario, and it played for a while in my mind. To think back, I didn't know how I could put myself up until today. I'm still surprised how I was able to just take it and embrace it. However, those moments will not be wasted. My father, in an evil way, had shaped me. To know these sad moments are just one of those challenges every teenager should go through.
I write this page as a 'Eulogy' to my once unaccepted father I had, whom now I look upon to and respect, a father who wishes for his children who could spend a few minutes with him until he has to step on the unseen path.