by M.R.

Created on: August 18, 2009

If you discover that a friend or family member has given a baby up for adoption, here are some tips for a healthy, supportive conversation with her about her experience. A woman who has given her child up for adoption encounters, for the rest of her life, a host of stereotypes and misunderstandings that can be deeply hurtful and offensive. An image of the "birth mother" that is all too common in our society is of a young woman who gets pregnant accidentally and cannot provide her child with the opportunities she would like, so unselfishly gives her baby up to a family in better circumstances. In fact, many woman who have surrendered their children felt no small amount of duress from adoption agencies, family members, or partners to do so. Many women deeply regret their choice, and discover that, despite the difficulties, they truly were suited to be successful mothers, given some time and support. Bear in mind the intense difficulties of giving up a child, perhaps regretting the choice, and always wondering what might have been if you're talking with a birth mother about her experiences.

Many birth mothers do not want to hear the following:

1. "You did the right thing by giving up your child." Try not to pass judgment on what the birth mother has done; instead, listen and try to understand how she feels. She needs support, even years after surrendering the child.

2. "You did such an unselfish thing." Birth mothers often report feeling terrible regret and guilt for giving up a baby. A value judgment like this only may make her feel more guilt if she wishes she had kept her baby.

3. "Your child had a better life than what you could have given him or her." Many birth mothers realize too late that they would have parented their child successfully. To say that the mother could not have loved and cared for their own baby can be particularly offensive, especially if the mother has gone on to parent other children.

4. "Try not to think about it." People in a birth mother's life may be so uncomfortable with the idea of the adoption, or so sure that the child is in better circumstances, that they will try to get the birth mother to forget about the child and move on. No amount of time or space can keep most birth mothers from constantly wondering about and thinking of their child. Honor that, and don't disregard their need to keep their child in their minds and hearts.

The feelings of birth mothers are not well understood by our society as a whole. There are negative stereotypes about single mothers, about teenage mothers, and about women who experience unplanned pregnancies. The nuclear families who adopt infants from these women are portrayed in a much better light. The birth mother can get lost in such representations, and have a difficult time telling her story. Try to ignore the stereotypes and the one-dimensional film characters when trying to understand the situation of a birth mother. Acknowledge her pain and the lifelong feelings she will carry about her adoption. Be there to listen rather than to judge.

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