by Mark Spriggs

Created on: August 17, 2009

Such a question always deserves an immediate and unreserved answer; it does not have to be the one that is necessarily wanted. It could be I don't know. But it must be an answer there and then, it tells the other more about where you are at than just a yes or no.

I proposed to my now wife twice, the first time we were not actually going out but had formed the closest, intimate friendship I had known, I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, she answered honestly, and loudly, no, don't', I stopped and our relationship continued to develop, my timing was off but not the practical honesty of my friend. The second time we had been going out a little while, the act of accepting me as a boyfriend/ significant other told me (because we had discussed this many times as friends, that I was being tried out as marriage material so when I asked I knew it was a real pivot moment in the whole relationship but I trusted that the answer honestly given would not be an end to whatever shape our relationship took. The answer thankfully was yes but a no or don't know would mean that I was still standing on solid ground.

Why do we go out with people, we go out to get to know them, we go steady and we deepen the terms of our commitment, why? Quite simply we are programmed to have a partner, another half and our search is complicated by the wonderful complexity of those we meet, even those we do not get on with. Many people now, because of a shift in our social outlook, do not think about marriage, they do not sometimes think beyond sex, and only then if there is some kind of relationship to begin with, so a proposal can be a real surprise because that element of consideration has been lost, but that does not mean the reasonable response can not be honestly given Yes, No, Don't Know or even 'I'm not there yet'.

I am not advocating snap decisions, nor am I judging them, what I am trying to convey is the notion that thinking ahead and being ready for these kinds of things is a wise position to be in. Where is this relationship going? What do I see in this guy? If he asked me that question could I say yes? We have seen the result of hasty decisions, ask war brides and grooms who got married in haste and then lived to regret it because of their circumstances or the high school/ college sweethearts. If we want the good, strong marriages/ partnerships guess where it has got to start? At the answer to a question.

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