by Barry Parham

Created on: August 17, 2009

Headlines from the Aftermath

I'm a watcher.

I watch people, I listen to people, and I watch people listen to people. And then, more often than my lawyer would like, I comment.

In support of this little life exercise, I have three things going for me:

* I work from home, so the TV is always on

* I have an excellent lawyer

* Our planet, as presented on the news, is pretty much barking nuts

Sometimes I stare at the TV in disbelief. Sometimes I just lapse into a uncontrollable giggle. That's my burden. As with any professional, I face occupational hazards.

Recently, I was particularly fascinated to hear the Speaker of the House, a lime sherbet suit-wearing human, who's just a fate twist or two away from being our President, make headlines with this blisteringly acute observation: "I'm not afraid of August. It's a month."

Clever girl. Mystery solved! And I hear the Calendar Czar will be debriefing her on June, soon.

On TV, the President kept materializing in odd places like Advanced Lesion, Montana and Bullet Worship, Oregon, assuring all Americans the right to get sick for free, and explaining his plans to reduce costs by spending another trillion dollars.

But he made headlines when he claimed, at a town hall meeting in Upper Boarsocket, Vermont, that the AARP had endorsed his proposal. An indignant spokesman for the AARP said they had done no such thing, and was then arrested under the new "fishy" statutes. PETA immediately filed a discrimination suit, claiming "gill bias."

White House mouthpiece and syntax murderer, Robert Gibbs, who apparently got his job solely due to his willingness to wear lime sherbet suits, offered an infallible legal defense: The President wasn't misleading; rather, he was just misspoking.

FoxNews became the news after being accused of firing little anger darts into the brains of Americans, resulting in massive fake dissent at town hall meetings. The news company fired back by generating a brand new "FoxNews Alert" graphic.

At a Texas town hall, Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee hit the headlines when she took a cell phone call while a constituent was in the middle of asking a question. Perhaps the selfless public servant was simply getting an update on the definition of June.

The entire US Government made headlines, thanks to an unknown pollster's revelation that 60% of Americans feared the government more than the big bad wolf. 25% of those polled were more afraid of drinking milk after

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>